When job hunting goes bad.

As you can probably sense from the title, I have a story. You can't judge me because this is the 4th time I have updated my blog this week.

Yesterday after class I wanted to go job hunting. I had a couple places in mind but I wasn't exactly sure where they were, actually I had NO IDEA where they were, and since I am semi directionally challenged I decided to go to mapquest and get directions. I thought from the beginning that the directions looked a little fishy, but being one of faith, I trusted them and followed them directly into the middle of nowhere. When I realized that I had just followed incorrect directions, I attempted to ''turn around'' well, somewhere along the way I made a wrong turn trying to get back to where I started. Next thing I new I was driving down a deserted road with no cell phone service and cows as my only option to ask for directions. After driving for about 3 hours I finally reached civilization (Temple). Where I still couldn't find my way back to I35. I asked a cop how to get there and he said ''oh, just keep going straight, you're almost there.'' I saw a Starbucks, thought a black tea would calm my nerves, so I stopped. I figured since the point of this outing was to get a job, and I had been extremely unsuccessful at that so far, I would ask for an application. I got one, and when I was leaving Starbucks I saw a Cotton Patch just across the road, so I ran in there, asked if they were hiring and to my surprise they said yes. They were hiring wait staff and hostess, so I applied and headed back to Belton. When I got back in my dorm, and layed down in the bed I had to laugh. I had just spent 3 hours ''job hunting'' when in actuality the only progress I made was in the last 30 minutes of those 3 hours. It was an adventure, to say the least. At least I can say now that I have truly seen the real Temple, and I'm sure surrounding unpopulated towns.

The Whole Kitten Kaboodle

...nothing about kittens used to be here.

Classes don't start until Wednesday, so until then is welcome week, which has been alright. I think I need to attempt to get myself a little more pumped up, it's been difficult for me for some reason. This is weird, but I am excited for classes to start, excited to learn and have things to keep my mind busy. I'm sad to be gone, this is a such a strange time in my life to be making such a huge transition, not a strange time in a sense of years, because yes, I am the right age to be going away to college and such...BUT, the things going with my emotions, in my head and my life would probably be made easier if I was at home. But, I am not. SO, I'm trying, probably not as hard as I should be, but trying to step out there and start making my new life great. I am excited about college, don't get me wrong, no matter how depressed this entry does sound. Emotions are crazy right now, this is hard. I really never thought it would be, but it is.

One thing that I enjoyed so, so much today was worship. The morning started off with Lauren, Sam and I going to this church with such good worship. I need to make it a point to worship more. It was a blessing to me, I think especially because I am feeling a little vulnerable and weak, but the worship this morning blessed me beyond words. Then chapel tonight was super good too. The speaker made me laugh hard, which was nice and then he packed the punch which was good too. Anyways, I am really looking forward to the spiritual aspect of this school, if it's half as good as tonight was, I will be more than satisfied.

That's enough for now I suppose, after all Lauren is coming over what not to wear is on, and our flavor ice popsicles are done freezing. PARTAY!!!

Time flys when you're...

...having the best summer ever!! :) Ukraine was wonderful. Words cannot even describe the time that we had, the blessings and the people we met. It was an experience that will stay with me forever.

School time is almost here (college!!!). I'm really excited, and really nervous, but confident that it will be really great.

This summer has been a time for major strides in growing up, moving on and learning to live. I'm proud of myself. I'm not sure how often I have been able to say that...but I am. But more importantly proud of what the Lord has done. I have no room to be boasting on what strides I have made by myself because He has brought me through so much. I have been shown over and over again how faithful He is, He has provided me with the strength and courage that it takes to change. When I read my last blog, it makes me feel good. Mainly because I know I am in the process of changing for the better, and I'm seeing progress that I never thought that I would see. I have been able to share things that I thought I would keep inside forever, I have learned to trust love a little more and trust His faithfulness.

All in all, I feel ready. Ready to go. Ready to start my future-a future that I am confident will be full of His blessings and rich love. Praise be to the One who helped me get to this point.

Ukraine pictures anyone?

English Class

Rec Time!

The Artist^

The Labler^ :)

Change is blooming.

Change can be a beautiful thing, it can be hard, but in the end so worth it. When I was trying to think of things to describe how change can be beautiful, the first thing that came to my mind was a flower blooming. It starts out as a seed, grows into a stem, then a bud, then it changes into a flower. When a flower blooms, it is at it's prime state of beauty. I think when we make changes in our lives as humans, we can be at our prime state. Sure, change can be a bad thing too, but I'm talking the good change. To change is to become; to become transformed, to become different, to become something new. Right now, I'm striving to change, to bloom, to become something new. I want to be that beautiful flower that glorifies the Lord just with it's existence, with it's mere presence. I know in order to become, I have to change. I have to change my shame into honor, my anger into love and forgiveness, and my distrust, doubt, fear, and apprehension into faith.

''But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.''

--2 Corinthians 3:16-19

Learning to feel.

I'm sad, angry, heavy-hearted, troubled, and hurting. Too many times have I tried to ignore these emotions, and I catch myself still trying to do that. It takes reminders of how much I have been hurt to make me realize my pain. I'm tired of fear. I'm tired of shame. I'm tired of hurting. I know that the hurt will always be there, but I'm ready for it to be less severe, I'm ready to move on.

Moving on will take more courage and strength than I think I have at the moment. I want to move on, but my lack of courage in facing my pain is holding me back. Facing the past, the pain, will be hard, and I feel like at this point it is a necessary evil. Evil only in my eyes, because I know it will be hard, very very hard, but ultimately better for me.

I'm excited for when the day comes that I feel comfortable with talking with anyone about my story. I really am, because I know it has the opportunity of relating to, and blessing many people. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get to that point. It scares me to think about that, because yes, I am so shameful. I know that the only way I can properly move on is with His help. I want to say I'm ready, but my fear tells me I'm not.

I look forward to the future. I know ''the best is yet to come''. I know my future will be blessed, and special, and wonderful, and I can't wait to see what God has in store. I can't wait for the day where I can feel strong in knowing my oppressors are forever silenced by His grace.

Lord, I ask you to remove my fear. Help me to know that you, my Redeemer have made me new, that I no longer have to be in fear because I am your child. Help me to forgive. Give me the strength and courage it will take to move one. I know you live, you live to take away my shame, and you live forever.

''We who have fled and taken refuge have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the kingdom, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner on our behalf.''
--Hebrews 6:18-20

Babies and Life.

My friend, Cassie, had her baby last Tuesday. Taylor Marie Fouse, beautiful little baby girl, well actually not so little, more like 8lbs 9oz of baby, but still beautiful. I was blessed in being able to be there for her. Life, and birth, for that matter is so beautiful. Seeing both death and life happening right in front of me made me cherish and appreciate the time God gives us on earth. Holding that sweet baby, looking at her tiny feet and hands, hearing her little cry was just what I needed to make me truly understand how special life is. I was so bogged down and tired but at the same time I was just so elated, it was amazing experience for me, to see someone I love, that is the same age as me, making such a huge step in life. It makes me feel like I'm growing up, I am, but for one of the first times ever, I feel like I am. Okay, I'm done blabbing, here are the pictures...

Graduation is definitely 4 days away. I just cannot believe it's here. I'm growing up. Weird. Real weird. That's really all I have to say about that.

I feel excited for summer, I'm looking forward to just being here and enjoying life. Spending time with friends, family and myself. I'm expecting to do some searching this summer, I need to figure out my feelings, and learn how to talk about them. That's my summer goal, or one of them at least. Another goal, for Lauren's sake, to improve on crafts. I'm going to make a valiant effort, and possibly prove that indeed, when it comes to crafts, I am hopeless. We'll see.

Thirty One.

Yes, it is true, 31 days until graduation. I am so ready. School is just becoming like making your bed,a useless chore, unless there are guests and you want it to look good for them. I'm not sure how that analogy made since, but oh well.

This week has been filled with doctors appointments and not enough sleep. I think I need to change my attitude about things, maybe learn to be happier. A girl in my English class today asked me why I was always happy. I wanted to respond with ''uh, I'm not, in fact, I'm pretty opposite ''always'' happy.'' But, I didn't, I just said, ''I have no reason not to be.'' Liar. My goal is to learn how to know what I'm feeling. That is really really hard for me for some reason. You think it would be easy, to know that your sad, or happy, or angry. But I think that I have worked so hard for so long to hide my emotions and not share them with people that I've almost forgotten what all those things feel like. Sounds crazy I know. But, maybe I am. All I know is I feel overwhelmed by emotion, which ones I'm not sure, it could be because there are just so many there that it's hard to figure out, but I do know that it's overwhelming me, and I just do not like it.

I want it to be different, and I know there's a road I'm gonna have to walk for it to be different. The hard part is gaining the courage to walk that road. The great comfort- knowing He will see me through.