Change is blooming.

Change can be a beautiful thing, it can be hard, but in the end so worth it. When I was trying to think of things to describe how change can be beautiful, the first thing that came to my mind was a flower blooming. It starts out as a seed, grows into a stem, then a bud, then it changes into a flower. When a flower blooms, it is at it's prime state of beauty. I think when we make changes in our lives as humans, we can be at our prime state. Sure, change can be a bad thing too, but I'm talking the good change. To change is to become; to become transformed, to become different, to become something new. Right now, I'm striving to change, to bloom, to become something new. I want to be that beautiful flower that glorifies the Lord just with it's existence, with it's mere presence. I know in order to become, I have to change. I have to change my shame into honor, my anger into love and forgiveness, and my distrust, doubt, fear, and apprehension into faith.

''But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.''

--2 Corinthians 3:16-19

Learning to feel.

I'm sad, angry, heavy-hearted, troubled, and hurting. Too many times have I tried to ignore these emotions, and I catch myself still trying to do that. It takes reminders of how much I have been hurt to make me realize my pain. I'm tired of fear. I'm tired of shame. I'm tired of hurting. I know that the hurt will always be there, but I'm ready for it to be less severe, I'm ready to move on.

Moving on will take more courage and strength than I think I have at the moment. I want to move on, but my lack of courage in facing my pain is holding me back. Facing the past, the pain, will be hard, and I feel like at this point it is a necessary evil. Evil only in my eyes, because I know it will be hard, very very hard, but ultimately better for me.

I'm excited for when the day comes that I feel comfortable with talking with anyone about my story. I really am, because I know it has the opportunity of relating to, and blessing many people. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get to that point. It scares me to think about that, because yes, I am so shameful. I know that the only way I can properly move on is with His help. I want to say I'm ready, but my fear tells me I'm not.

I look forward to the future. I know ''the best is yet to come''. I know my future will be blessed, and special, and wonderful, and I can't wait to see what God has in store. I can't wait for the day where I can feel strong in knowing my oppressors are forever silenced by His grace.

Lord, I ask you to remove my fear. Help me to know that you, my Redeemer have made me new, that I no longer have to be in fear because I am your child. Help me to forgive. Give me the strength and courage it will take to move one. I know you live, you live to take away my shame, and you live forever.

''We who have fled and taken refuge have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the kingdom, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner on our behalf.''
--Hebrews 6:18-20