Cuteness overload warning

It has been a wonderful, happy Christmas. I don't have much to write about, just a lot of happy inside of me, so here are a few pictures of the cuteness i've been surrounded by:

I hope your Christmas was just as merry as mine.

Ha

Nut House

I don't do alone well.

I've talked to myself these past few days more than I probably ever have. One time I realized that I was talking, out loud, to me and then I said, out loud, to me "shut up, you're crazy!"

I hope you don't judge me for my craziness.

I also hope I never have to live alone. I honestly don't think I could do it.

Without my roommates here I'm not motivated to cook, or sometimes even eat. Tonight I had potato chips and a few too many powdered donuts for dinner.

I went to target this evening just to walk around, and hear people talking. I tried on a couple things for fun. A pregnant lady walked into the dressing room before me, her husband and little boy were outside the dressing room area waiting for her. She apparently was trying on a extra small and small work out pants. (I just realized how creepy this story is sounding, but I swear I was just minding my own business trying on sweaters. This lady was just LOUD). Anyway, she said to herself in the dressing room "YESSS I fit into the extra small!!" (See, at least I'm not the only crazy who talks to themselves). She went out to get her husbands approval. She said "Hun, what do you think?" husbands response: "oh wow, those are tight." wife: "what??? look, babe" (I imagine her turning to the side or striking a sexy pose). husband: "yeah, wow, way too tight. and a little too short." wife: "well, alright, thanks." husband: "sure, sweetie. those pants really show how big you are! that's kinda fun." wife: silence.

I was literally holding in the laughter with a balled up sweater over my mouth. I think I actually drooled a little on one of them...sorry target.

I am being much to talkative, and honest. Onto things that at least kind of matter instead of long, useless target stalker stories...

Tomorrow is my last day of pleasurably serving chicken. I have told myself for the past three days (probably out loud) that I am going to clean the house before Christmas, so after work tomorrow I'll do that, and pack up for Christmas adventures!

Sorry you got a huge dose of crazy this post.

If I don't type again before then...Merry Christmas! I hope you are filled with the joy, grace, and love of Jesus.

Two days left of smelling like chicken.

Today was SO crazy at the mall. The line didn't die down once. Poor Jose, my whistling co-worker, only whistled "the little drummer boy" once today. (It's usually whistled AT LEAST 132 times).

I'm feeling much better today so that made working all day less painful.

I guess I don't really have anything else to say.

Sorry for the slightly meaningless post.

4 days until Christmas!

Saturday Love: Allie

Ohhh Alz.

This hilarious roommate of mine makes me soooo happy. I'm not sure when, where, or how we met. Maybe at church? Maybe at the red house? Maybe somewhere else? I'm not sure when we started being friends either. I think it might have been one of those things that I knew who she was, and I thought she was really awesome, and I wished we were friends, but we didn't really know each other, so I just imagined we were friends. However it happened, it happened. And now we live together and she makes me laugh every day. Whether she's saying "that's racist and makes me uncomfortable." to everything I say, or yelling in that high pitched old lady voice, she always knows how to make me chuckle. She also loves the Mavs just as much, if not more than me, and I love that.

Favorite memory together: Recently, as in a week ago, Allie was leaving for Christmas break. I was sitting on the back of our couch (still not sure why), but I put my arms out for a goodbye hug. Allie came over to "hug me" and I leaned back to fully embrace this goodbye. She moved out of the way just as I was leaning back and I busted it big time off the couch onto the ground. Allie tried to catch me, but when I looked up from the ground she was holding my ankle...lots of help.

I don't know if that's a great favorite memory or not. I think the NyQuil is going to my brain a little, and making it impossible to think of past events.

Still, just because I'm on NyQuil doesn't mean that the glory should be taken away from Allie on her very special Saturday love post. She really is fantastic. I'm really pushing the fact that she's really funny, because she is. But she also has so many other great qualities. She is so smart, she loves to read- I love hearing her talk about books, and movies. She's SUPER talented- an awesome photographer, charcoal(ist)?, and painter. She is not only talented in those areas, but she uses her talent to bring glory to God. She loves the Lord so much, and if you spent any time at all with her, you would be able to tell. She's an all around awesome person, and I feel privileged to live with her, and be her pal.

So, here's to you, Allie. Thanks for being your awesome self.

Love you!

barking dogs

Working 10 hours straight at a fast food, um, excuse me, quick service restaurant is brutal. Especially when you're not exactly feeling up to par.

I'm not sure how the heck I am sick again. I seriously JUST got over this same thing (nose, head, ear congestion, and sore throat) about 2 weeks ago. I think my immune system has some explainin' to do.

One week until I'm done with work for a while, and enjoying Christmas.

I'm excited.

Today when I was leaving work I passed by a salvation army guy ringing his bell. It reminded me of when I worked at cotton patch, this time 2 years ago, and was walking into work when a teenager who was texting hit me with her car. It knocked me down, but I was fine, just had a HUGE bruise on my hip the next day. The salvation army guy, however, was not fine. He yelled at that girl, and threw his lil bell on the ground. The poor girl, bawled her eyes out, and apologized 45 times, while the salvation army guy was yelling "THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T USE THOSE DANG CELL PHONES WHILE YOU DRIVE! GAH KIDS TODAY!" I told her I was fine and limped inside to Cotton Patch, where every single person eating asked if I was okay.

Alright, that's my random holiday story for the day.

Saturday (or Sunday) Love: Julie

I forgot about Saturday love again, until now, and it's Sunday.

So, here's the Sunday version of Saturday love:

Jules, Ju, JuJu Bear, Momma, Julie. All the nicknames mean love. I don't know if I would have survived this summer without my Julie. Our friendship started out as an interesting one. You see, Julie has this way about her, somehow even though she is so sweet and kind, she made me think she didn't like me. Until one day when I was walking out of choir rehearsal and she asked me if I wanted to swing on the bench swing with her. I was delighted, and even though I had to be at work in 30 minutes, I sat with her and talked until Leah was done with her meeting. The rest is history. We live together now, and hopefully will continue to...if SOMEONE doesn't choose grad school over me ;).

Favorite memory together: There are lots, considering half of my memories these days have her in them. But one time that I will always look back on and smile is when we were driving back from Holland after bible study (Julie and I lead bible study together this summer, if you remember my posts about those hilarious middle schoolers). I had ALWAYS wanted to pick an ear of corn from the side of the road. Julie (being the great momma she is) repeatedly told me that this was stealing, and wrong. I pushed her enough on the subject and she finally agreed to pull over. Colton and I jumped out of the car, Julie yelled "go, go, go!" and we tried to grab a couple ears of corn. Well, one of us, I'm still not sure who, ripped up an entire stock and threw it in the car. We laughed so hard we were crying and Ju nearly peed her pants. The corn was nasty when we cooked it, but it was still worth it.

Jules, I'm so grateful for you. I love climbing in your big comfy bed with all the other roomies and talking, keeping you up past your grown up bed time. Please don't go to grad school and leave me. Unless you really want to, then I'll just be all alone. Whatever. I'm glad you decided to like me and invite me to swing with you.

Love you.

Couch day

I'm not working today, so I slept in. It felt great. I caught up on most of the tv I missed being busy this week.

Ohmygoodness Glee was awesome! That show really does fill me with glee.

It's cloudy and gloomy outside. What a perfect day to have off. I'm babysitting tonight, so today won't be a complete waste of time.

My roommates and I have almost successfully gone through 2 bags of peppermint hershey's kisses in one week. Kelsey and I figured out that there are about 80 pieces in each bag. We were shocked, because I'm pretty sure we went through probably 15 bags last Christmas. That is approximately 1,200 chocolates. What can we say? They are a once a year treat...you have to enjoy them while you can!

I'm going to make another pot of coffee and watch the office and 30Rock.

working a full time job is hard.

i'm so so so glad to have it right now.

but my feet hurt.

Other than my feet hurting, life is good. I'm working 48 hours this week, and babysitting twice, and just last week I was worried about not being able to make rent this month. Pretty great.

Not much else is going on.

13 more days of work, then a exciting break spent hanging out with some people i really enjoy.

Yule

Last night my roommates and I celebrated Christmas together.

I love them. We have so so much fun together. It's amazing how 5 girls can live together and totally enjoy each other all the time. All of our personalities, though different, seem to mesh so well. I'm grateful for the family I have in them.

Here are some of our family pics:

Merry Christmas from the Raindance women!

All our scarves from our 2nd annual scarf exchange

Blora. Kelsey LOVED the 10 Lords-a-leaping.

Love them.

Saturday love revisited

Shoot! 

I cannot believe how long it has been since I've said I love someone on here. Chelsea reminded me about it last week when we were hanging out and she said "i really liked it when you did that Saturday love thing on your blog." 

I have gotten so caught up in nursing school, I've forgotten about something that is (obviously) much more important than my future career. 

So, here it is. For the first time in months...my Saturday love:

Sweet, sweet Natalie. When I say sweet, I really mean it. Natalie is the sweetest person I know. I bet if you licked her she would taste like sugar! I'm not going to try anytime soon, but really only because I can't. You see, she lives in Hawaii. If not for that though, I might lick her...maybe. Anyway, she's sweet, you get the point. Natalie and I met sometime two years ago, my freshman year in college. I'm not positive on when exactly it was, but I'm sure if I could remember it, it would be memorable. Since then, we've been buds. 

Favorite memory together: Cooking this yummy Santa Fe Pizza together for everyone one night. I love cooking with Natalie. She always keeps a dish towel on her shoulder when she cooks, and I just think that's one of the most precious things ever. We had so much fun deciding on what to cook, going to walmart to get the stuff, then cooking and laughing together. We also made this yummy dessert that I can't find the recipe for. It was a good night. 

Nat, I love being your friend. I get excited when I get a goofy video on my facebook wall from you, or when a little invite to ichat pops up on my computer. I'm so proud of what you're doing in Hawaii. I know you're going to bless those old folks so much with your sweet, sweet, sweet heart, spirit, smile and love. I love you! (and can't wait to see you in January!)

My Pleasure

I'm a working woman again! 

Hooray for God's provisions.

While I was babysitting last night I started reading Donald Miller's book To Own a Dragon, Reflections on growing up without a father (after the kids were asleep, to all of my mom friends I babysit for, I don't read while your children are destroying your house). It got me pondering on a lot of different things. I hope to finish it soon, gather my thoughts, and maybe write a little about it some day. All that to say, so far, it's a good read. A lot of interesting perspectives...even if you have/had a dad. 

So, the next few weeks are now going to be filled with work, which I am SO SO grateful for. 

I'm done with school, which is amazing and strange at the same time. I got this weird, guilty like feeling in my stomach tonight for not reading my books, or thinking about nursing today then I remembered that I have NOTHING to think about. Pretty sweet.

I'm excited to have a break from the norm. It's going to be nice. 

Almost there

One more exam left, and this semester is over.

One.

ONE! 

Crazy. 

Awesome. 

Wonderful. 

17 months until I'm a nurse.

So, this whole no job thing does give me a lot of time to do nothing, which consequently leads to blogging. Hence 2 blog posts in one day. If you missed my favorite picture ever, please do scroll down and check it out. I like that guy (Andrew. and Abe, I guess). 

Last night was the UMHB choir's Christmas concert. Boy, did it get me in the Christmas spirit. The singing was lovely and the words of the songs were even more lovely. Today, to encourage my Christmas spirit even more I've been listening to Andrew Peterson's Christmas album, Behold the Lamb of God. I really like it. 

I read a few blogs of Moms who practice the Advent season with their kids, it has inspired me to focus more on the season. It sounds a bit cliche and cheesy to me to walk around saying "JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!" But, genuinely, I desire to live this season believing that. 

I closed my eyes last night while the choir sang, sat there, let the notes and beautiful words of worship surround me, took a breath in, and felt so much comfort and joy. Christ was born, Christ died so that we may live. I'm just beginning to be able to wrap my mind around a love like that. So awesome.

"Gather round, ye children, come listen to the old story of the power of death undone by an infant born of glory. Son of God, son of man. Sing out with joy for the brave little boy who was God, but he made himself nothing. He gave up his pride and he came here to die like a man. Therefore God exalted him to the place of highest praises, and he gave him a name above every name, the very name of Jesus." -Andrew Peterson, Gather 'Round, Ye Children, Come

Best picture in the history of the world

The country version of the Abe Lincoln memorial. 

See?

I don't like to worry

But I'm worried. 

I need a job so badly. I was holding onto a little bit of hope to the VA job, but found out today that I definitely didn't get it. Instead of getting discouraged, I got inspired and went around to nursing homes, the mall, and 3 restaurants. I can't work at nursing homes because I'm not a licensed anything, stores at the mall have hired for the holiday season already, and no luck at the restaurants. 

Oh geeze, what am I going to do?

Any ideas faithful readers of mine?

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful...

Hebrews 10:23

Some Ramblings

My Thanksgiving was very happy. 

I hope yours was too. 

Time goes way too fast when Andrew is around. 

I miss my roommates. 5 days without them is a little too long.

One week of school left before Christmas break. 

I need a job. Badly. 

I got to hang out with Chelsea last night. Met her future hubby, Dominick. Went to see The Christmas Carol, it was my first 3D experience. It was pretty neat. The movie was a little too scary though, I wasn't expecting that. It was really fun to spend some time with Chels though. 

This week really shouldn't be that bad. I have a simulation tuesday afternoon, two exams friday, and one on saturday. Then, who knows what. Hopefully I'll have some sort of job by the end of this week.

The amount of grease that is in my hair should never be allowed. A shower and a nap are calling my name.

Modern Day Cobbler (Wannabe)

No school for 5 whole days. WAHOOOO! I'm going to conveniently forget that I am a nursing major for 5 days. I put my books on the bookshelf, and don't plan on taking them off again 'til monday. 

I started the break out with lunch with Jules at Chick-fil-a, deep cleaned my poor dirty lil car, cleaned my room, and started on some laundry. This is the most productive I have been in a long while, and it feels nice. It's amazing how good a clean room makes me feel. 

I think today I'm going to make these shoes:

Andrew got a me a couple pair of these a while back, I made one pair and they are super cute, but because I didn't know what I was doing they are already falling apart. So, I'm going in for round two today. Hopefully I'll be a better shoemaker today.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, hope it's filled with happiness and love. 

Counting down...

3 days...Thanksgiving break, Andrew in town!

12 days...Last final, a month long break, resting, reading non nursing related material.

39 days...2010. Wow.

49 days...J2 semester begins, I learn how to take care of babies and pregnant ladies. 

108 days...Costa Rica with my soul friend, learning to surf, relaxing on the beach.

136 days...I turn 21. Officially old.

167 days...Done with school. 

Tomorrow...Pharm test I really need to study for. 

Saturday Love

I just got done making pancakes for the roomies and I. 

Now we're laying around watching TV, drinking coffee, enjoying each other. 

This is why I love Saturday mornings (or in this case, afternoons).

I'm still recovering from the mystery sickness. This cough is persistent, let me tell you. 

I didn't get the job. Big time bummer. I don't know what's next...we'll see. 

Other than still being jobless, and sick, not much else is going on. 

4 days until Thanksgiving break, which means 4 days until I get to see some very special person. These 4 days need to hurry up and pass.

It's over?

Yes. The dreaded J1 clinicals are over, and it wasn't even dreadful. It was wonderful, actually. 

I have learned SO much. It's insane really. I didn't think I was capable of learning so much. 

Today we had a last day of clinicals celebration at the Golden Corral (yeehaw!) We shared funny stories and had a chance to reflect on this crazy time in our lives. It has gone by so, so fast, and it's been great. 

Here is my clinical group. These are the people I spend my wednesdays and thursdays with (well, mondays and tuesdays too). They are great. These people are the ones I call when my patient is pooing all over the ground. These are the people that make me laugh at the butt crack of dawn when we have our morning huddle around coffee and papers. Learning and growing together has been so fun. 

Boresville, USA

Being sick and not having a job has shown me that I do not like having nothing to do for an extended amount of time. 

I stayed home from clinicals today, not because I really wanted to, but because Ms. Dixon told me that if I had a fever i HAD to stay home. Fair enough. This morning, 100.3. All in all, it's probably good that I had a fever because honestly, i don't know if I could have worked today. I mean, I got exhausted yesterday just taking a shower and attempting to clean/do laundry. 

But, anyway, back to my point. Doing nothing is great, for maybe a day. After that, it just gets annoying. I'm anxiously waiting to hear back from the job that I applied for last week. I really want it, and know it would be super awesome if I got it....we'll see. If I don't get it, I don't know. Let's just say having friends who are managers at Chick-fil-a might come in handy.

So, until I recover from this sickness AND until I get a job, my agenda will remain: couch time, sleep, watch re-runs of glee, sleep, watch a movie, sleep, couch time, bed time. 

I shouldn't complain, because how often does one really have an excuse to be THAT lazy? But it really is getting on my nerves.

You have no idea how much joy this brings me:

No matter how much Dirk annoys me sometimes, he can still fill me with happiness. There's just nothing like a celebratory dog pile after an amazing last second win. 

Kenzie

i like this picture. 

look at my little greyhound wannabe.

My heart is free

Tomorrow I have my first final. I really cannot believe how quickly this semester has flown by. I'm hoping the rest fly by this fast! If so, I'll be outta here in no time. 

This weekend was a fun adventure. I went home with Robyn to hang out with her family and take her cutie pie cousins, Sydney and River rock climbing. It was fun. It was a little strange being in the fort worth area for the first time in a little over 5 months. Made me miss home. 

It was a good time though. 

Time to go study, drink some tea, and enjoy my new favorite pachouli and sandalwood candle. 

keep loving.

So I Don't Think I Can Dance

But I really, really wish I could. 

And if I could, I would dance like this. 

Oh, I love this show.

Thankful

In spirit of copying Robyn and Brooke, here are 10 things I am thankful for:

1. Andrew. (might get a little mushy warning) He has filled my life with SO much love. More love than I have ever known from a person. He's always there for me, always. At 3 am when I'm scared  because someone is knocking on my door and call him, at 7 am when my car doesn't work, when I'm feeling a little lonely and just need to sit on the phone. He's patient, loving, accepting, funny, has the best laugh you have ever heard, the sweetest heart filled with grace, this great mind that thinks of things in a way that I would never think of, and he has a a way of making me this gushy emotional girl that I never thought I would be (hence me writing all this). He has a fantastic family, too, that I am very thankful for. Overall, it's a pretty sweet gig. 

2. Friends. All of them. I could not even begin to write all the ways they make my life bright as sunshine. 

3. Roommates. Kelsey, Julie, Allie, and Lindsey. They are my family, my community. Each one of them is special in their own little way. They are constant reminders of the love of Christ to me. I'm so glad to have each of them. 

4. Nursing School. Although I probably voice my unthankfulness much more than I do my thankfulness, I am very thankful for nursing school. Being in nursing school is teaching me so much more than the skills I will need for my life as a nurse. I'm (slowly) learning discipline. I'm learning how to love people (patients) in a way that they know I care, but I'm able to let go of it later (again, slowly). I'm thankful for instructors who have a passion for nursing, and a passion for making sure we get it right. I'm thankful for the tight community that we have in all of our sufferings...it makes it much more bearable!

5. Sour patch kids. Life with out them would be a life without a motivational candy that I seriously can never ever ever get enough of. 

6. Robyn. I guess she falls under number 2, but I figure she needs her own number. I'm just that thankful for her. She teaches me constantly. I love, love, love talking to her. I don't have any other friend like Robyn. I think we connect because we share some of the same struggles, and as much as I hate that for her, I love it for me because she is always teaching me better ways to process, deal with, and move on. I'm glad we have each other. I'm excited for our adventures. 

7. Pictures. They speak in a way that words cannot. My heart beats fast at a beautiful photograph and my brain automatically smiles when I look on the walls of my bedroom and get to see people I love. 

8. Stars. God has spoken to me many nights through the stars. I feel like his love is made so evident by the beauty of a bright night sky. I'm mesmerized constantly by its beauty, it takes my breath away more than anything else. 

9. Thursday night bible study group. Matt, Dani, Amy, Luke, Kelsey. I'm learning so much from this group. God speaks through all of them in different ways. I love getting to hear about mom adventures and struggles from Amy and Dani, I've learned so much by just watching the way they carry out their lives as women of Christ. I love getting to see and hear how Luke and Kelsey are processing things. And Matt is such a wonderful, honest teacher. 

10. Blankets. I get cold a lot, and blankets keep me warm. 

This list really could really carry on to 100, but since I have 5 more pages of a pharmacology paper to write, I'm going to stop being thankful. 

I wonder at his beautiful system and how it feels better than anything I could choose or invent for myself. 

I wonder as I gaze up at the night sky, this love letter from God to creation, this reminder that somewhere there is peace, somewhere there is order, and I think about how great his kingdom is, and is going to be, and I wonder in this rare and beautiful moment, how I could ever want to walk away from it all. 

Life is not a story about me, but it is a being told to me, and I can be glad of that. I can be glad to look up at the stars and whisper thank you to the creator of the universe, a creator who says you don't have to be smart or good-looking or religious or anything; 

you just have to cling to him,

love him, 

need him, 

listen to his story. 

Tonight while I was hangin' with Luke & Cash,  Luke and I were talking about how my car has been acting strange. After many "well, why is it bwoken owllye?" questions he said, "Okay, I'll go get my tools and fix her up for ya!" 

I told him he should practice on his Handy Manny car first. 

Later I told him it was almost time for a bath and he said "oh look at the time, i've GOT to get to work!" 

Ha. 

Cuties. 

jakdhskfjsdafh sdf sdakds fjhdf 

i cannot concentrate. 

i'm the biggest procrastinator on planet earth.

and i'm HORRIBLE at writing pharmacology papers. 

America's funniest home videos might be my new favorite show. Well, besides Glee. And So You Think You Can Dance. Oh and Greys. Oh, alright...it's not my new favorite show, it's just funny. 

Today at the hospital I had the same patient I had a few weeks ago. He and his wife are some of the sweetest folks I have ever met. Bad things happen to good people, I get that, but it just doesn't make sense. It's so hard to see people in pain and fear. But it is so rewarding when your patient hugs you at the end of the day, pats your back and says "you're a great nurse, and a good girl."  and then his wife invites you over. Sweet, sweet people. I wish I could make all his cancer disappear. 

Anyway, I have lots to do and I really, really, really should be writing a paper on Prednisone, not this blog.

Wish me luck, and productiveness! 

This day

It's has been quite a day. 

I woke up late. No big deal, it happens all the time, I 

just wont take a shower, or put on make-up. It's cool. 

I get in my car and it wont start. 

Alright, so I'll just jump start it. I've jump started a car 

before, no big deal. 

Well, I opened my hood to find this:

Do you see a battery? I didn't. I also had no idea where to put this lil jumper cable thingies. So, I attached them to those knobbies up in the left corner. After calling and waking up that sweet(and so very patient) man of mine, I found out that was a wrong move. He directed me as best that he could via telephone, and my car even started, but then died right after I detached the cables. 

(by the way the battery is under that huge metal strip and the wiper fluid container...crazy)

Julie has the flu, so I drove her car to school. 

30 minutes late. PTL for nice teacher day. 

Lunch time. I come home with a plan. I'm going to get that ugly battery out and take it to WalMart and get it checked, get a new battery and be good to go. 

False. 

Those bolts and screws were so dang tight. 

I drove to walmart, bought some tool that I thought would help, and came home. Guess what, it didn't. I drove back to walmart, returned it, looked for something else that would work. Didn't have any luck so I went to O'Reilly's. Those irish know how to help. 

They let me borrow a tool to take off all those crazy screws. 

This story is getting way too long, I realize that, but since I'm already into it I'll continue...

Got home, spent a lot of frustrating minutes trying to squeeze my hands down into the tiny spaces to unscrew them. I have really small hands and I had issues. I'm really not sure how they put that stupid car together. I finally got the battery out and took it walmart. Sure enough, it was bad. Got a new one, spent more frustrating minutes putting back together the mess I made. 

It's running, and I'm happy. 

But, my eye is twitching. I'm not sure if it's because I'm just not made to be a mechanic or I need to go to bed early tonight. 

Cook-esteem

I made some really good baked potato soup tonight. 

I don't know if I'm the only person like this, but my cook-esteem is really low. 

Every single time I cook, I automatically assume it's going to taste bad. 

I'm a very careful cooker. I follow directions carefully. When I cook with Andrew (he's a great cook), I get nervous because he doesn't measure. He asks me to put some sugar in the pot and I say "how much?" he says "just a little, not too much." I say "here, you do it." 

I think I'll ruin it, then we'll have to eat cereal for dinner. 

Anyway, I was thinking tonight after my roommates and I finished eating the good soup, that I should try and be more confident in my abilities. 

That's all this post is about. 

Bon appetite.

Boo!

Boo Fest 2009 was a success. It was such a fun time. All the roommates woke up this morning, climbed in Julie's bed and talked until it was too late to go to church. We then decided to go get donuts. Now we're laying in the living room watching Madea Goes to Jail. It really doesn't get much better  than this.

Here are some pictures from last night. 

The roommates and their boys (minus the most special boy)...

Fred, Wilma, Hannah Montana, Jackie-O, Kate Gosselin, Middle School girl and her Giga Pet:

Chase and Ellen are super cute:

Nathan and his cuz were some italian guys with a Jonas brother Nick:

Brooke (Julia Childs), Robyn (Nerd), and Sarah (pig)Peacock Brittany and the kid who hid in the attic and said he floated away in a balloon George:

Cute Tetris Girls:

It was such a fun night!

Back to Medea...

I'm so not ready for this pharmacology test tomorrow. 

But watching Lindsey and Julie do "Flirtygirl Fitness" is so much better than studying. 

We'll see how much I love flirty girl tomorrow after the test.

"No, life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath... We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?" -Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts

i really like rice krispie treats

This week has felt so strange. 

I've been super emotional. Cried probably 5 times (a definite record for me). Oddly enough this weeks Be Transformed was about emotions. There's lots to think about, and I'm not quite to the point of articulating it well enough to write a blog about. Maybe eventually, but the main thing I've gotten out of it is that God communicates with us through emotions. Through sadness, loneliness, confusion and anger I am made vulnerable. If I choose to (and that's IF) surrender and trust then God will communicate his love for me through my sadness and loneliness. He will communicate his presence and comfort through my confusion and anger. I'm not there yet. I struggle too much with self reliance to even start to hand my emotions to God. And it all goes back, in my opinion, to the root of not trusting his truths. 

Well, I guess I was ready to articulate more than I thought. That was a little surprising. 

What else is going on?

I'm tired. Today is going to be a nap day for me. Clinical paperwork is my least favorite activity in the history of school and it completely drains all my remaining stamina and energy. Today is going to be a nap day. I'm glad about that. 

I got to go to New Orleans to see this guy that I know. It was a great time. I'm so happy I got to go and spend time with Andrew. I felt sad to come back, but who wouldn't? New Orleans is awesome and Andrew is even more awesome. 

The semester is coming to a close (which seems completely insane to me). Only 42 more days until I have (hopefully successfully) completed my J1 semester. Golly, that's fantastic. 

3 more regular exams. 

2 more simulations. 

1 more round of full clinical paperwork. 

1 paper.

1 case presentation.

3 finals.

2 HESI exams. 

Done. 

That's a lot of junk, but...42 days!!!

love, allye

The hornets preseason game. Andrew got awesome seats, and it was SUPER fun. 

Mind on the Run

What does one think about while not studying? 

Lots of things. 

Lots of things that don't have to do with gastrointestinal diseases. 

Last week's episode of Glee is playing for the 4th, maybe 5th time in my living room. That means I'm humming Usher's "confessions" and Beyonce's "halo". 

I'm thinking about how it's hard to be away from someone when one of the main things that runs through you mind is that you want be close to them. 

I'm thinking about what it's going to take for me to get me to the point where I can not only trust God with my life, but the lives of others. Others like the people dying of cancer that I take care of every week. Others like the hundreds of young girls sold into slavery every day. Others like my brother and sisters who I haven't gotten to see in a couple years. 

I'm thinking about my car, and what the heck could possibly be wrong with it. 

I'm thinking about forgiveness. Not sure about this one at all actually. When I say I'm "thinking" about forgiveness I mean I say the word forgiveness in my head then decide it's too hard, and wait til it comes up again.

I'm thinking about how happy I'll be when this week is over. (SUPER happy!!)

I'm thinking about Christmas. 

I'm thinking about how I want to finish reading some books I started this summer. When? Don't know. 

I'm thinking about how it's 10pm and I'm exhausted. Old lady right here!

This is what happens when I have to study and my brain doesn't want to study.

Productive, right?

Goodnight.

I love Glee.

Kitten Anyone?

this lil cutie want you to be her owner. she told me. 

I found her in a trash can at Micky Dee's. Julie and I are temporarily calling her Big Mac, but you can change her name when you adopt her. 

KITTEN UPDATE:

I found a home for the cutie. 

A day to breathe

Another week done. 

Fridays are so great. 

Usually because I have they day off. Not today, but it's still great. I get to take a breath and actually think about what happened this week. 

Mondays are lecture days. 

Tuesdays are lecture and practice days.

Wednesdays and Thursdays are clinical days. 

Fridays are breathing days. 

I like breathing. I like being able to think about things knowing that tomorrow I don't have a test, or patients to take care of, or skills to perform with a professor looking over my shoulder. 

I like Fridays.

This week at clinical my patient had rectal cancer. I got to take care of his ostomy which was a totally new, kind of scary experience but also really neat. It was crazy to listen to his bowel sounds then look at his ostomy and see his intestines moving. Our bodies are so amazing! Yesterday I was supposed to give flu shots. I ended up only giving one (which went well), but I got to see 3 lung biopsies done and that was SO cool. It was a good week. My group did well on our scary simulation and I passed my diabetes and fluid & electrolyte test.

Things are moving right along. 

Next week I get to go see Andrew and I cannot wait. 

Next week I'm also in the OR, and I'm excited about that. Not quite as excited as I am to see Andrew, but still excited. 

I feel like I'm rambling.

Sorry.

I love them

Two of my roommates. 

They are weird, 

funny, 

sweet, 

and 

(as you can see)

beautiful. 

I'm lucky.

Smelly welly

Our house smells like a dead animal's rotten banana poop.

Why?

We don't know. 

Luke says Julie is the main suspect. She showered this morning though and it still smells, so we don't know. 

Currently we have 5 candles burning, and I can still smell it a little. I think after about an hour you become immune though. 

“One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.” – Maya Angelou

Like a garden fed by four seasons, a cycle of change.
Everybody has to change, or they expire.
Everybody has to leave.
Everybody has to leave their home and come back
so they can love it again for all new reasons.
I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes,
so things keep getting born in me,
so things keep dying when it is time for things to die.
I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago,
because a mind was made to figure things out,
not to read the same page,
to be the same thing
recurrently.

Cancer is a bully

Week two in the hospital complete. Boy, it's been awesome. Awesome in a wow, this is really tiring kind of way, but still awesome. Working with cancer patients has taught me so much already. I have a new understanding of the disease itself, which is that it is horrible, ugly and mean. No one (of course) thinks cancer is a walk in the park by any means, but what I mean is that I have just never really understood the toll it takes on your body. It seriously affects everything. It's rough.

Just for my own memory, this week I learned:

-how to put in an NG tube

-to take out a foley catheter

-how sit with a wife as she cries about her husband with leukemia and not breakdown with her.

-that cancer is really bad

-that some people with sickle cell are so drugged up that they fall asleep standing up (and snore!)

-that a patient grabbing your hand and telling you thank you is one of the best feelings ever.

I'm excited to be a nurse.

Not excited that this weeks paperwork for clinicals took me 9 hours.

It's going to be a long road to May 2011, a fulfilling one though.

"God is the sum of patience and the essence of kindly good will. We please Him most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms with all our imperfections, and believing that He understands everything and loves us still."

-A.W. Tozer, The Root of the Righteous

A promise

I promise I'm going to write again someday.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." -Ephesians 4:31- 5:2

"Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.' To the contrary, 'if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by doing so you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." -Romans 12:17-21

Jumble of thoughts

Since writing a blog post sounds so much more interesting than studying right now, I'm going to give in and do it.

As the title of this post suggests, this is going to be a jumble of thoughts. Mostly because that is the way my brain is working at the moment, jumping from one thing to the next, very unsure about most things, but still very active.

Clinicals officially start Wednesday. I could pee my pants I'm so nervous. I'm praying, praying, praying that no more passing out occurs. I had an encouraging conversation with my clinical instructor (Ms. Dixon) on Thursday that eased my nerves a little, but I'm still letting myself get psyched out for some reason. Please, if you think about it Wednesday, pray that I will be able to hold it together and show some patients love in caring for them (and not passing out on them).

Other than the clinical nervousness, school is alright. After these next two weeks I can assure you that I will have a whole different attitude about it. These next two weeks are going to be rough, and I'm feeling pretty confident that if I can make it through them, I'll be good. I'm learning quickly that my brain doesn't function well on 8 hour lecture days, and have started bringing plenty of snacks to class. On a positive note, being with the same people for 8 hours every day really brings you close. We are all anxious for breaks so we can go stand outside on the balcony and chat. That part of the 8 hour lecture days is fun.

I started doing a bible study with some friends (Matt, Dani, Luke, Kelsey, and Amy) a couple thursdays ago. Be Transformed is the title of the study (based on Romans 12 "do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of you mind so that you will be able to test and approve what God's will is, his good, pleasing and perfect will"). So far it has been challenging, refreshing and SO interesting. I have already learned a lot. I hope I can write sometime about it because it really has been great. It's a small group, which I have loved. Dani and Amy are both moms and it's been so neat to be able to listen to them and learn from them, it makes for a great dynamic. My mind needs to be renewed a whole bunch, it's a little ridiculous actually. I'm so not trusting of God's promises.

As of yesterday, circumstantially, I started struggling with some things that I haven't had to deal with in quite a while. I'm not going to go into much detail about it all, just because I don't really want to, or need to. All I'm saying is I have some changing to do in my attitude about handling and dealing with hardships. Anger, although I usually don't see it this way, is on the top of my list of feelings I hate having, but have way too much of. When I wrote this post a whole two years ago (CRAZY!), I think I was feeling the same way. Knowing I have so much in my life that is in need of transformation.

Now that I've gotten that out there, here's some happy news. Andrew stopped by texas for a brief (but great) visit. His great-grandmother turned 100, and he came in town for that incredible celebration. It was great to see him, hard to say bye. If you hadn't figured it out already, that was the goodbye I was whining about yesterday. I really enjoy this guy. It feels a little silly to be telling you how wonderful my boyfriend is on a blog, but I can't resist just because he's that wonderful.

Jumble of thoughts complete? Not nearly. But that covers a good portion of them. I need to study and pass this test in the morning so I'm going to stop now.

I'm going to try and rely on God to be my complete fulfillment this week. That is way more challenging than it should be for me.

Love.

I am never, never, never going to get good at goodbyes. Even in the days before I started crying, goodbyes still hurt my goodbye hating heart.

That is mostly all I'm feeling right now. That I hate goodbyes feeling.

But, in the spirit of being cheerful I'm going to do my Saturday love. I was a slacker last week, school has been crazy. I'll update more on that later.

I love....

ROBYN.

This girl knows how to make me smile. She's an adventurer, and I love that. We're going to Costa Rica over spring break and I am SO excited to travel with her. I think she's probably one of the best travelers ever. She's my ever so faithful fellow blog stalker. When I read a real good Matt & Maddy I know she will be just as excited about it as I am. I love that she will do this kind of stuff with me...

Besides all that awesome stuff, Rob also has one the neatest hearts I know. She loves people with this really special love. A love that makes her not afraid to give you this face that only Robyn makes when she thinks you're stupid, and you still know she loves you. She loves these cute little boys in Haiti a lot, and I think that's pretty sweet. She's a friend that I can sit with in a quiet room with not much going on and it doesn't feel like someone needs to talk. She loves Gardenstate and Elizabethtown just as much as I do (if not more). We are soulfriends.

Love you, Rob.

Mane Attraction

I cut my hair, big time:

I like it. It's light and easy. My head feels about 5 pounds lighter, and I got ready this morning in 8 minutes.

Tuesday Rambler

Today was Tuesday, but it felt like Monday and it was throwing me off all day long.

Labor day was not at all laborious. Just the way I like it. Slept in, watched some tv, hung out with Rob, studied. It was a good day. I wasn't ready for my 6:30am alarm this morning. It was one of those mornings where you wake up thinking "maybe I can take a nap today..."

Julie, Kels and I ventured to the Harker Heights Old Navy this evening and I got some new jeans and a couple of cute tops that were on sale. I like buying new clothes. A lot. I wish I could buy new clothes every day, but then I'm sure the excitement of it all would just be lost.

I'm pretty sure I broke my toe on isle 6 at HEB tonight. Grocery shopping can be dangerous. I bought some really tasty grapes, and it's taking all the self control I have to not eat them all right now.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. The week is already half way over. That's cool. Then the weekend, then one more week until the weekend I've been waiting on for quite some time now. Excitement is filling my heart.

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song.

Eyes wide open, always hoping for the sun.

And she'll sing her song to anyone that comes along.

Fragile as a leaf in Autumn, just falling to the ground without a sound.

Crooked little smile on her face tells a tale of grace that's all her own.

Saturday Love: Chelsea

Meet Chelsea. She's super fly, and pretty hard core (as you can tell). She does cool things like triathlons. Chelsea is kinda old, so we never went to school or anything together. We met at church, maybe at camp when I was her student leader and she beat me up and shoved my face in the mud. I instantly loved her. She moved to china for a while and would send me funny emails, like one with her head on a big huge muscle woman's body. When she came home I beat her in a wrestling contest, and I still haven't lived that down. Deep down though her beating me up and trying to kill me in everything she does isn't what REALLY makes me love her. I mean, it definitely adds to it, but there are lots of other things too. She is a friend I can count on to give me the truth, exactly what she thinks, no matter how much she knows I don't wanna hear it. I admire her ability to speak the truth in love. I really believe she loves me even when she calls me stupid or something, pretty amazing. I love her ability to make every one around her feel cared for and loved, it's also pretty amazing. She brings so much light and smiles wherever she is.

Favorite memory together: We went to Turner Falls to go camping one time. I think the whole time could count as my favorite memory with her, but an especially favorite memory is when we were swinging into a river on this rope that was attached to a tree. I was getting some serious air and she asked how I was doing it, I showed her (not showing off at all). She swears to this day that when I let go of the rope I turned and gave her a look that said "ha, I'm so much better than you". I was, but I would never rub it in or anything...

I love you Chels. Thanks for being my honest, sweet, wonderful friend.

Knick Knack Paddy Whack

There has been some serious puppy love going on today. Both Leo boy and Kenzie girl got new bones and a bath today. Kenzie loves her new friend. She can walk under him and it is one of the cutest things I've ever seen when she does it.

Today was the bomb.

I slept in until 11. Made coffee, made myself comfortable on the couch for some major project runway watching. Did that with Kels until around 4:30 when we motivated each other to go buy a hose so we could bathe our stinky pups.

Robyn and Brooke came over tonight and it was fun to hang out with them.

Glee is definitely a new favorite TV show of mine. I've watched the first episode 3 times now. A little overkill I know, but whatev.

I know it's technically Saturday and I should be telling you about someone I love, but that is going to wait until I go to sleep and wake up again because then it will really feel like Saturday.

For now, I love all of you.
Actually, tomorrow when I post the Saturday love post I will still love all of you, just to make that clear. (Unless you are a blog stalker. But in that case, I feel honored that you stalk my blog, so I guess I love you too.)

Okay, that was awkward.
Here's some cute pups to make up for it.

Kenzie actually ate her bone, while Leo just carried his HUGE bone around. It was so cute.

I hope you like Autumn because I'm falling for you

Day 1 in the hospital.

I passed out in a patient's room.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, that's not a funny just kidding. It's real life.

I know, I can't believe it either.

What were you doing? You might ask. Watching/ performing some nasty procedure on someone? Observing an operation?

...nope.

I was helping give a patient a bath. Yes, a bath. He did have a huge abdominal suture that was a little gross, but not bad.

It's okay if you're laughing because I can't help but laugh every single time I think about it. I laugh until the sobering thought comes "what if I can't do this? what if I just pass out at stuff and I can't be a nurse?" I guess the answer to that is, then I won't be a nurse. It would stink big time, but if that's what is right, then it's what is right. Right?

I keep telling myself that I was just nervous, I didn't eat a big enough breakfast and I had my knees locked. Hopefully, I'm not truly a huge wimp. We will see though.

I'm glad to have become comic relief for my class though. Today we were learning how to pack a wound. We were practicing with a manikin and James (who is on the same floor as me at the hospital) turned to me and said "hey, there's a chair over there if you need it. this guy is REALLY plastic, and it might get a little gross."

I'm that girl now.

"fainting girl"

Awesome.

Ha.

Good first day.

Queaz

Today we learned how to do a central line dressing change and I got queasy. I think I got even more queasy when I started thinking about how I was getting queasy just from watching a video of someone scrubbing the skin around the neck where the line goes in. Can I do this? I mean really, I can't get queasy watching that. It just isn't allowed.

Tonight when I got home from work the roommates, Shea, and the Lukes were playing Moods. It was so fun to just hang out and laugh. Does the body good.

Tomorrow is day 1 in the hospital. I'm excited and nervous. Mostly just excited to eat the Scott & White cafeteria pizza and nervous about everything else. Not really. I have heard great things about that pizza though.

That's all for now. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

These are the a couple of lovely humans I get to spend every day of my life with: (everyone looks SO excited to be playing moods, huh?)

Saturday Love: My friend Monica

Alright, so about 3 months ago I was telling Robyn that I wanted to start a weekly thing on my blog. Some of my favorite blogs do weekly updates like Heather's What to do wednesday. Thoughts have been rollin' around in the ole noggin for a while and nothing has clicked. Until tonight as I was looking at my friend Monica's photography website (http://monicareedphotography.com) thinking "gosh, Monica is so cool, talented, wonderful. i feel so special to be her friend." That's when I got the brilliant idea of writing a weekly blog about someone I love.
It's perfect.
I get to gush about these people who let me call them friends.
So, here's Monica:
We have known each other since oh about 8th grade, I think. I think we really became friends 9th grade when we started secluding ourselves from the rest of the world during lunch to sit outside on the cement by the locker rooms and chat about whatever. Next thing you know we were juniors learning the ins and outs of how to successfully skip school together (i know, horrible) then seniors who did nothing but check our horoscopes online during choir class. She's really great. Her heart is full of love, adventure and life. She's uber talented, just check out her blog or website and see for yourself (and no, she's not paying me for this plug). She has probably taken about a billion pictures and they are all good, no joke. You get the picture? She's fab.

Favorite memory together: Although it's hard to narrow it down to one, I think I have to choose bailing on our senior year choir mixer (after borrowing some chips and cookies) and attempting to find the place in DFW airport where you can watch the airplanes take off. We never found it, because we got lost and ran out of gas but had such a fun time driving with the windows down, listening to music, not caring.

I love her.
Who wouldn't love this face?

You're great my lil HarMonica.

Love, Allye

Week 1 report

I am a proud survivor of the first week of real nursing school.

That's a little dramatic.

It wasn't that bad at all. Lots and lots of information and learning but that's exactly what I expected. We learned how to suction out a patent's trach, that was a little shocking. When I was practicing on the manikin I kept thinking "I cannot believe I'm going to be doing this to a real person in a couple weeks." Poor people with trachs.

The first exam in monday. A little nervous about it. Then on wednesday we're going to the hospital to give people baths. Should be an experience for sure.

So far so good. I love the people in my class and am excited about getting to do this with them.

This weekend: working a lot and studying even more. yayyyy.

2 days down

Who knows how many to go...

But it's been good so far. I'm pooped. Both Monday and today I had class from 8-4ish, came home to change and grab a bite to eat and hurried to work at 5. It wouldn't be as bad if I didn't have to study when I got home from work, but since I do, it makes the day pretty long.

Monday was scary. The nursing instructors threw out so much information. It was intimidating and hard to keep up but after I got home from work and did some reorganizing and reading I felt much better about life.

Today was fun. We learned some basic skills (how to reposition a patient in bed, how to move a patient out of bed, how to walk with a patient using a gait belt, how to do range of motion, etc.) It was a nice break from the classroom with no windows, and got me excited to be in the hospital NEXT WEEK. Crazy. I'm not ready to help take care of a real human being.

Tomorrow I don't have to work and I am going to take a nap. I cannot tell you how excited I get just typing that.

Aside from school, work, and studying, nothing else is going on.

Real exciting, I know. I'll let you know if anything changes. Until then you can either find me at UMHB, at work, or in my room with my 5lb bag of sour patch kids, a cup of tea, and lots and lots of books.

love, allye

Ready or not...

...here I come!

That's what the school year is saying to me.
I bought books yesterday. Goodness, how I despise that. I nearly spent my whole summers earnings on dang books. The cool thing: I was flipping through them and it made me real excited to learn about these things. I feel reassured that I'm doing the right thing here, and that feels good. We'll see how I feel in a couple weeks when I'm up to my neck in things to memorize and study. The anticipation of it all makes me feel a little queasy.

On another note, I got a new windshield. I've been working and babysitting a ton. I've been very provided for with all the opportunities to babysit lately, and really, all summer. I think I'm going to chop the hair off soon. It's long enough to donate now, and the length is starting to annoy me more than I enjoy it. I go back and forth on it though. I woke up this morning with a sore throat and stuffy head. Talk about horrible timing. I bought some vitamin C and various other meds and am praying for whatever is going on to quickly disappear. Phil Wickham is going to be at UMHB on Sunday and I'm pumped about that.

I think that is it for now.
Love,
Allye

Ramble Machine

I just had the most wonderful days. I was the most content girl in the history of the world.

I have the day off tomorrow, I'm looking forward to that. I know I have to spend some of the day getting my car fixed, or at least looked at. You see, something very unfortunate happened last week. While driving to Georgetown a particle (very large, hard particle) of truck tire flew up and hit my windshield. I want to say I'm grateful because it definitely could have been so much worse, but I'm having trouble mustering up gratefulness because my windshield is definitely busted. Trying to be optimistic, I thought that I could drive it that way for a while, save some money up and heck maybe get the best lookin' windshield in town. But alas, as I was driving home (again from Georgetown..maybe I don't need to go there anymore) I heard my windshield crack a total of 5 times. Now that I'm officially freaked out that my windshield is going to explode as I drive, I'm going to get it checked out tomorrow.

Other than that and my lack of short term memory lately, things are just dandy. I've been reading Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller and I'm enjoying it. It's not as good as Blue Like Jazz in my opinion, but it's way different so I'm not sure it's fair to compare them. A few things have got me thinking, and I figure that's always a good thing.

Here's an excerpt that I really enjoyed:
"Life is a dance toward God. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because it's steps are foreign...there is nothing I am missing. I have everything I was supposed to have to experience the magnitude of this story, to dance with God."

What I'm about to write might turn this post into a very long one, or it might not. I'm not sure how clearly this is going to come out. Anyway...
I've been missing a lot lately. By missing I simply mean longing for and desiring. This missing has made me a little cold at times I think. I've caught myself turning back to some old habits of trying to forget the bad and just live, and unfortunately (and fortunately, i suppose) that just doesn't work anymore. I mean, it will for a while but when I lay down at night, or when I'm alone at work with not much to do, or when I take Kenzie on a walk at sunset those feelings: longing, desire just creep up and bite me. And it stinkin' hurts. I really hate feeling sorry, sad, a little alone. I know I'm not technically alone. After all I live with 4 girls who love me, and I love them and I have a friend like I have never had before who will talk with me until 5am, and I love him. I'm not alone. I know that. I just feel alone in those moments, and it stinkin' hurts. The only thing I have figured out to do in those moments is to remember that even if the 4 girls who love me are gone, even if my favorite person in the history of the world is gone, I'm not alone. Ever. It's hard to think that, to really feel that, but I've gotten better at it. I'm happy about that one. It still stinkin' hurts, don't get me wrong. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that figuring simple, tiny things about life out feels good. Reminding myself that I'm never alone and that I never have been alone, even in the darkest times, that is simple stuff. But dang, it feels so good.