Ramble Machine

I just had the most wonderful days. I was the most content girl in the history of the world.

I have the day off tomorrow, I'm looking forward to that. I know I have to spend some of the day getting my car fixed, or at least looked at. You see, something very unfortunate happened last week. While driving to Georgetown a particle (very large, hard particle) of truck tire flew up and hit my windshield. I want to say I'm grateful because it definitely could have been so much worse, but I'm having trouble mustering up gratefulness because my windshield is definitely busted. Trying to be optimistic, I thought that I could drive it that way for a while, save some money up and heck maybe get the best lookin' windshield in town. But alas, as I was driving home (again from Georgetown..maybe I don't need to go there anymore) I heard my windshield crack a total of 5 times. Now that I'm officially freaked out that my windshield is going to explode as I drive, I'm going to get it checked out tomorrow.

Other than that and my lack of short term memory lately, things are just dandy. I've been reading Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller and I'm enjoying it. It's not as good as Blue Like Jazz in my opinion, but it's way different so I'm not sure it's fair to compare them. A few things have got me thinking, and I figure that's always a good thing.

Here's an excerpt that I really enjoyed:
"Life is a dance toward God. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn, because it's steps are foreign...there is nothing I am missing. I have everything I was supposed to have to experience the magnitude of this story, to dance with God."

What I'm about to write might turn this post into a very long one, or it might not. I'm not sure how clearly this is going to come out. Anyway...
I've been missing a lot lately. By missing I simply mean longing for and desiring. This missing has made me a little cold at times I think. I've caught myself turning back to some old habits of trying to forget the bad and just live, and unfortunately (and fortunately, i suppose) that just doesn't work anymore. I mean, it will for a while but when I lay down at night, or when I'm alone at work with not much to do, or when I take Kenzie on a walk at sunset those feelings: longing, desire just creep up and bite me. And it stinkin' hurts. I really hate feeling sorry, sad, a little alone. I know I'm not technically alone. After all I live with 4 girls who love me, and I love them and I have a friend like I have never had before who will talk with me until 5am, and I love him. I'm not alone. I know that. I just feel alone in those moments, and it stinkin' hurts. The only thing I have figured out to do in those moments is to remember that even if the 4 girls who love me are gone, even if my favorite person in the history of the world is gone, I'm not alone. Ever. It's hard to think that, to really feel that, but I've gotten better at it. I'm happy about that one. It still stinkin' hurts, don't get me wrong. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that figuring simple, tiny things about life out feels good. Reminding myself that I'm never alone and that I never have been alone, even in the darkest times, that is simple stuff. But dang, it feels so good.