25

25 days until Andrew finally becomes my husband, and I his wife.

Husband and wife.

Those words together have a new meaning to me than they ever have had before.

I have seen marriages.

Beautifully happy ones, as well as violently sad ones.

I have been emerged deep in the loss that divorce causes, and experienced chills and from hearing a old, wise, beautiful woman try to explain to me the depth that the love for her late husband holds.

I remember saying to my friends in high school that I didn't want to ever get married because of the trust it entails, because your heart could be so easily crushed. Loving someone that much didn't make sense to me at that time, all that made sense to me in love was pain. I saw too much pain stem from putting your heart on the line and loving. Why do that to myself?

I've written here before about how my heart as been transformed by love. How it has been a slow, sometimes painful process of realizing that I am not in control. I've talked about how being loved by people throughout this journey of becoming someone who trusts love has brought me to a better, more tangible understanding of God's love.

Trusting love has been a battle for me because love has not always been trustworthy in my eyes.

It's amazing to dwell on that past perception of something that holds such beauty in my eyes now.

Because now, I trust love. I trust that it's beautiful, enriching, fulfilling, and something that we cannot live without.

I also trust that it's painful. It's painful because as humans we have expectations of how we should be loved and those expectations are not always met. It's painful because in life there is loss, heartache, and unexplained hurt. The beauty in the pain though is that it is painful because we trust. When love isn't trusted, there is a numbness to pain because you are expecting for your heart to be crushed. Having been here, as well as there I can say that I would much rather feel pain because of trusting love than be numb because of mistrust and expecting love to fail.

I love (not to wear out that word here) that I feel this way. I believe with all of my heart that God took me through life knowing that I would be laying in the living room of my empty apartment at such a vital transition in my life, dwelling on how I got here, and how everything that has happened in my life has one way or another taught me was true love means (even if it was an experience that taught me what true love isn't).

Trusting love has never come naturally to me, but now it feels as natural as taking my next breath.

In 25 days Andrew and I will dive deep into a life together that I pray is filled with years and years (and years) of the natural love that we already have. I know that our love will grow, but right now as a crazy, head over heels, soon to be bride I don't see how that is possible.

I didn't intend to get carried away with all of that, but I did.

My intention was to tell you that I want to remember this time of feeling so much genuine trust in love, and loving Andrew in a unique way before marriage by telling a reason each day leading up to our marriage of why I love him like I do.

25 days isn't going to be enough to tell all the reasons, but I think this will be a fun way for me to remember (and remind him) each day how truly privileged I feel to get to spend forever with him.

Andrew, 25 days until I'm your wife:

I love you because your kind, gentle, patient love towards me has taught me to trust like never before.