Happy Halloween

We never carved pumpkins in my family. I think my grandparents were sure that we would kill one another, and we probably would. So we painted pumpkins. We also wore huge old t-shirts.

Things I love about this next picture: My hair. Those bangs are ridiculous, so is the scrunchy. Austin's (brother) smile. He was the cutest kid. Asa (sister) coming out of the house squealing. How I'm sitting. I think it's adorable.

More proof of my crazy bangs: (and overalls, and shirt with smiley faces) And OMGTHECUTESTPUPPYEVER! That's my favorite dog Daisy. She lived 14 years and died an ugly dog who snorted every time she breathed and had no teeth. I loved her all the same.

We would also make these creepy things. Halloween meant we got to color on sheets and pillowcases! What a treat. My grandparents lived out in the country so we didn't go trick or treating, but we did get to create these creatures to put on the side of the road. I wonder how many wrecks these things caused.

This was the year that Austin and I were both clowns and Ryan and Alex were Simba and Nalla from lion king. I was so mad I had to be a stupid clown and wear stupid makeup when Ryan and Alex got to be LIONS! So not fair. But it makes a funny picture. Haha.

Hope you enjoyed my blast from the past.

A good day

Yesterday was an awesome exhausting day. I worked on the ICU step down unit (where patients go after they are well enough to get out of the ICU, but still not well enough to go to a regular MedSurg floor, or home).

It was a unique day because I didn't have any of my classmates with me, they were all on other floors.

It was scary riding the elevator to the third floor waving goodbye to my friends, my comfort, and then riding up three more floors alone.

I wanted the elevator to keep going, up or down, I didn't care. I just did not want to face the day alone.

Well, the elevator didn't keep going. It stopped. The computerized voice echoed "6th floor". I took a deep breath and slowly walked toward the unit that would change my attitude of this semester.

You see, this semester I have not been sure that I am doing the right thing. With almost every class, every test, every clinical day I have wondered "why am i doing this?". That's not a good thing to wonder when you're in a bunch of debt for a great nursing education.

Yesterday though, I remembered. And oh, it felt so good.

The unit was understaffed and the nurse I was supposed to shadow was very overwhelmed. She immediately handed me two patient's charts and said "They are yours. Let me know if you need anything". My heart raced, I think I started sweating. I was scared. What if I messed up? What if I gave someone the wrong medication? AHHHHHH.

After the initial fear wore off, I took off. And it was SO fun. I felt like a real nurse. My patients were great. One even got to go home, so I got a new one. I did the admit all by myself.

The day got crazy and stressful at many moments, but that's how it goes. Being a nurse is sometimes crazy and stressful.

I liked it.

My instructor came up to check on me at one point when I was charting and she said "how do you feel?" I said "like a nurse." She smiled and so did I.

It was such a good day.

My legs are sore today from all the running around, and I love it.

A little more than 6 months and I'll hopefully be feeling that way every day.

Yay.

What a whirlwind week it was!

I felt like shutting down after my psych test on Tuesday. That class is so challenging for me. Well, so is everything else this semester, it seems. I don't know what the deal is.

I couldn't shut down. At all. In fact, I didn't get to bed until after 1am Tuesday night which completely defeats the purpose of me changing my RA duty night to Mondays.

I woke up extra early on Wednesday because I was so nervous about my first day in ICU. And just in case you're wondering what extra early means--4am. Well 3:50am to be exact, but that's just getting too technical.

Anyway, I was on the Surgical intensive care unit and it was intense care for sure (by the way, I am so exhausted that I just spelled for "f-u-r", stared at it thinking "that does not look right" and finally figured out what was wrong about 20 seconds later). Horrible spelling aside, besides the crazy about of butterflies and a random case of VERY congested ears on my part, it was a good day. Let me just tell you, the ICU is not a good place to have fluid filled ears. All the dinging of alarms and IV machines was echoing and driving me cray cray.

I don't think I'm made for the ICU. I was nervous all day. It could be because of many things: unfamiliar environment, dizziness because of the congested ears (i was SO worried I was going to have another J1 fainting experience), ventilators (they scare me big time), and just really sick patients. I also feel so inexperienced in that environment. Almost stupid even. It's all feels way over my head. I guess that means that I have a lot to learn. If I can get over feeling so uninformed and worrying about someone dying on me.

This is what happens when I am tired...I rant. I could keep going too...and I'm going to!

After 12 hours at the hospital I started my journey to New Orleans. Oh man, it was so good to be with Andrew. We had a pretty laid back, relaxing visit. Watched It's Kind of a Funny Story (very cute...it was hard not to over analyze how unrealistic everything was since I just got done with my psych rotation), Son of Rambow (very cute and funny...made me want to adopt lots of little british boys), Willow (Andrew could not believe I had never seen it. You may be wondering how we ended up talking about Willow and I honestly don't know. I think he was talking in a goat voice or something else totally normal), Real World New Orleans (we maybe should be ashamed that we watched over 4 hours of it this weekend, but it is incredibly intriguing to watch the insane amount of stupidity, and also see cool places that we know of in NOLA), and also some football. We ate at my favorite restaurants and went to the zoo. Walked around the quarter and by the river. Saw a hobo fight, stepping in what I think may have been urine, nearly got tripped by a hobo, and saw plenty of other interesting sights. That is one thing you can always count on in New Olreans. Interesting sights.

Alright, well I have definitely typed too much. Here's the only picture I took this weekend: Andrew in Cafe du monde.

Just because

Because that last blog is just sad.

Because it's Monday night and I'm on duty on Mondays now so I can get more than 3 hours of sleep before clinical.

Because I should be studying for my test tomorrow but it's way too loud in the lobby to focus.

Because blogging makes me feel good.

And last but certainly not least, because I go to New Orleans to see this face in 3 days!

Hurry up Thursday!

love.

That was a first

Today a woman at a checkout counter said to me "ohhhhhh! are you expecting?"

I thought: "seriously?!"

I said: "Expecting WHAT?"

She awkwardly replied "ohhhkay, that will be $10.75"

Hopefully she put that on her list of things to never ever ever ever ever ask someone again. ever.

I'm doubtful though.

I'm also thinking that my new $4 shirt that I was so excited about may not be getting much more use.

Haircut

I love getting haircuts. There are so many things to love:

Getting your hair washed. It's so relaxing. A simple pleasure, really. You don't realize how much work washing your hair is until someone else washes it for you. Plus, Shelby always has the best smelling shampoo and conditioner.

Getting your hair styled. Some people don't like this part because you can never fix it the same as your hair dresser does. But that's the beauty of it for me. For me, when I get my hair cut that means I get it straightened. Straightening my hair is such work, and I love just sitting there and poof! Straight hair. Magic. I'm beginning to sound lazy when it comes to my hair...and it's because I am.

Soft hair. I think hair dressers have some secret potion that makes hair super soft. I want it. I can never stop running my fingers through my soft hair after getting a haircut.

Change. It's fun. I used to not like changing my hair. But ever since the big cut a year ago, I get excited about it.

I've already mentioned how good Shelby's shampoo and conditioner smells. But it has got to be mentioned again because it's amazing. When I'm not running my fingers through my hair, I'm holding a strand up against my nose.

I didn't change much this time. Just got a trim, a good thinning, and more defined bangs. I'm on a mission to have long hair by this summer. We'll see if I can make it happen.

I wanted to take a picture to show you and in the process realized that my new bangs are at just the right length where they just won't stay behind my ear:

tried to put it behind the ears. fail.

and the solution:
And yes, I'm wearing the same outfit as yesterday. I wish I could defend myself by saying I only wore it for half a day yesterday or something like that, but I can't. It was just laying on my chair this morning when I woke up and I didn't have to make any decisions. It just felt right, okay?

Have a happy weekend.

Sunshine and Rainbows

The simulation was crazy. We passed, but it was crazy. Our patient died, for a long time. Our biggest mistake was not calling the "doctor" and just continuing the code (we thought that by "calling a code" we were calling a "doctor"). Apparently not. Our instructors said that doctors would have called the time of death long before it was actually called. Hence, CPR for 20 minutes. Resulting in my first CPR blister.

See:

Well, you can't really see it because of photobooth isn't what I would call top notch quality. And it's gotten a lot better since Tuesday.

And yes, I'm getting my hair trimmed and THINNED tomorrow. It is crazy thick right now. It's borderline fro.

It's been yet another crazy week here at this dorm of ours. Some extremely burnt beans, 4 candles, and 5 fire alarms later I'm ready to run away somewhere. Anywhere.

Maybe New Orleans? In 6 days? I think so.

My favorite thing is when residents walk up to me outside during a fire alarm asking things like "where is the fire?" "is it a real fire?" "is it going to get in my room?" oh and my number one favorite this week: "WHY are we having so many fire alarms lately?".

I wish I knew, my sweet little ditzy freshman. I wish I knew.

Besides the craziness at the dorm, it's been a week of splendid surprises.

I'm so happy.

Life is sunshine and rainbows right now.

Even underneath my stack of notes and books.

Happy Monday!

No class this morning, which means I slept in 'til 10:20.

Woke up slow. Drank coffee. Read.

My favorite way to start.

The only real productive thing I did all day was go practice for our big simulation tomorrow.

Critical care AND mental health nursing simulation combined. I'll let you know how it goes, but this is what I'm predicting: A dramatic Grey's Anatomy type moment. The patient is talking one minute and then BAM! all of a sudden his heart stops beating. Everyone springs into action and (hopefully) administers the right medications, does CPR, maybe defibrillate. All while this is going on there is a family member (or two) in the room screaming and carrying on. Although the team did their best, the patient dies and then we have to console the family.

After that, the week should be pretty chill.

No clinicals this week...PARTAY!

I'm getting my hair cut on Friday. Yay for Shelby not being on maternity leave anymore, my split ends rejoice.

I'm working all day Saturday which usually means I get paid to hang out with a crazy guy, watch tv, and study. It's a tough life, I know.

Other news? None, I guess. Oh, I have a new love for frozen fruit. It all started a couple of weeks ago when I made cobbler for the RAs and then ate the left over fruit. Since then I have consumed 3 bags of frozen peaches.

10 days 'til I head to New Orleans for the first time since this summer. Excited.

That's about it I suppose.

Thanks for putting up with me, the rambling woman.

Facts

-Money, in the words of a schizophrenic patient "it goes so fast! Like....PUDDIN'!"

ha.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

-I am completely in love with this weather. It is seriously perfect.

-Now that I aced that test, I'm back to counting down to graduation. 211 days.

-I can't wait for this cd come out:

Oct. 12, in case you are wondering.

-I'm updating my blog too much.

love, allye.

Really long post

I really do hate to take the attention off of the adorable fabric pumpkins that I think are the cutest things I've seen all week, but I would really like to tell you about my day.

This week for my mental health nursing clinical I did my community rotation.

Community week of clinical is always one that I enjoy.

You may remember last semester when I taught a breast feeding class and birthing class. (an interesting experience to say the least)

Well this week I'm working with the Mental Health Mental Retardation Assertive Community Outreach Team. Whew, that's a mouthful.

Katie and I were together, which made it so much easier. I wish I could take one of my nursing friends with me after graduation to my first day of work as a real nurse (holy smokes, that's SCARY). Having someone there with you in your shoes makes life so much easier! I guess an easy life would be boring...

Anyhow, we met the case worker who was a very nice, funny man with a good sense of humor. I think you probably have to have a sense of humor for this job.

We ventured out into the depths of Temple.

My brain and my heart could not comprehend what I saw.

Poverty.

People living in shacks with broken windows, no air conditioning or heat. Not even 20 minutes away from my cozy campus.

It was hard to balance the emotions because these people are lucky to even have a house to stay in. The case worker we were with said "if they didn't live here, they couldn't live anywhere else." Usually because their behaviors, their sickness, their disease scares people and gets them kicked out of low income apartments, and government housing.

When we pulled up to the first house I looked out the dirty window of the van and saw two men sitting in recliners on their front lawn . This made me smile, and excited to talk to them.

The man on the right had a kitten wrapped around his leg purring, when he saw that we were there to visit them and he smiled a big toothless smile and greeted us with a squeaky "heeellooo!"

We visited for a little while out on the lawn. Sweet men. Very confused, and lost in this word but sweet, nonetheless.

When we got back into the van the caseworker told us that the man with the contagious toothless smile has lung cancer and is just waiting to die.

My heartbeat slowed a little.

He sits in that maroon and navy recliner on his dried up lawn with his kitten waiting to die every day. Can you imagine?

I can't.

Next we went to a rundown motel where a bunch of people who have literally gotten kicked out everywhere else stay. We picked up a paranoid schizophrenic and took him to the library to rent some cds. There is nothing that makes me more grateful for a functioning mind more than a paranoid schizophrenic.

That's all I have to say about that.

He showed us a couple of halfway houses, more horrible housing, and where some of these people get food everyday. After that we went to some low income apartments and met one of the most cheerful old women ever.

She also had no teeth.

And by the smell of her apartment, smoked about 100 cigarettes a day.

The whole time she was talking to me I was thinking "should I breathe through my nose, or though my mouth? through my nose means I can smell it, but I feel like it gets to my lungs faster through my mouth..." This went on inside my head until the "fresh" air of downtown temple hit my lungs.

The best part was how she kept saying to me "I CLEANED ALL DAY YESTERDAY! DON'T IT SMELL WONDERFUL IN HERE?!" She asked us that several times. I smiled and nodded while praying I wasn't getting lung cancer.

Wow. I've written a lot. I apologize.

All in all it was an eye opening day. Lots of conflicting emotions. Sadness, frustration, happiness, anger, confusion.

I'm glad I go to a university that sees the importance of working in the community. It's a blessing to be a part of.

Someday

When I grow up.

When I have a house, or an apartment at fall time.

When I have a sewing machine.

And lots of deliciously cute fall fabric with flowers and leaves,

I'm going to make these .

If I'm good at it (which, by the way I won't be until the 10th one),

it may even become one of those traditions where I say to my kids "kiiiiiiids it's getting chilly outside, you know what that means......fabric pumpkin making time!!!"

I mean, every kid should learn how to make fabric pumpkins right?

Andrew and I may have a disagreement here.

But we'll deal with that when it comes.

Anyway, so my kids will groan and say something like "ahwwww why can't we just carve pumpkins like all the NORMAL families?!"

We will, though. Because I love baked pumpkin seeds. But fabric pumpkins always come first in THIS house.

Why wouldn't they?

Look at how ridiculously cute they are!

I can't wait.

Someday...

(and yes, I look at blogs at 7:30am. It wakes me up. and i'm kind of in love with them.)

Today

Praise God, I made an A.

I only got anxious once during the whole test. I stopped, took some breaths and was fine the rest of the time.

I'm feeling very grateful.

There is still a lot of hard work to be done. But this restored confidence and feeling of being capable has been amazing for me.

Thank you for your encouragement, love, and prayers.

I'm thankful for all the support.

After the test today I walked out smiling, told one person, and got hugs and squeals. After that I went to the sub to relax before lecture. As my nursing family finished, they joined me. News spreads like wildfire in our little family we have formed, so everyone knew I was failing, and somehow everyone also knew I made an A. They rejoiced with me and it felt so good. I can't describe how good it felt. I kept saying "I am so happy".

And I was.

So, so, so grateful.

Psalm 139:1-18

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with you.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day.

Tomorrow I'll take a test that I have studied more for than any other test. Ever.

I'm feeling pretty good, besides the insane amount of pressure. I'll let you know what happens, dear blog followers. Thank you in advance for your prayers.

In other news, this weather brings so much happiness to my world. I tried to sleep with my window open last night, but when you live on a college campus with hooligans playing games in the quad that include screaming bloody murder at 1am it becomes hard to enjoy the cool weather.

I broke my personal record for getting ready this morning. Woke up at 7:26am and was in class at 7:35. Needless to say, I'm looking a little rough today. I did brush my teeth though, that's always a priority.

Lately I have really been wishing I didn't live in a dorm. For several reasons but the main one being I want to bake. Real bad. I want to bake something that tastes like fall. Maybe cinnamon rolls (heck, cinnamon rolls taste like every season!), or pumpkin muffins, or german chocolate cupcakes with coconut pecan icing. I think my abs (or lack there of) are grateful for my dorm living and thus, lack of oven and baking.

Speaking of abs (wow, this post is really becoming quite random), I ran almost 2 miles without stopping the other day. It has been a sllloooooooow process, but the fact that I am RUNNING almost 2 miles feels literally unbelievable to me.

Tonight I am buying a huge bag of candy corn though, and not running.

They make duty much more fun

Long day

This week my schedule was a little different. Instead of having clinical on Wednesday, I had it on Thursday. Not a big deal, right? I thought it was going to be awesome because I usually have duty on Tuesdays and only get 4 hours of sleep before I have to be at the hospital for 12 hours.

Well, Wednesday night ended up being pretty hectic here in the dorm and I didn't get to sleep until well past 1:30am.

I woke up at 5:15, got ready, and drove to the hospital drinking my coffee as fast as I could hoping that it would magically give me the energy that sleep does.

I got there early like always, I like sitting and breathing before the day gets crazy.

Usually around 6:20 the rest of my group starts dragging themselves in. This didn't happen. 6:25 came, then 6:30. No one.

I started to wonder.

Then it hit me.

Clinical starts at 8 on Thursday.

DANG!

I walked back out to my car, sat in that beautiful blue seat and felt like crying.

I. AM. SO. TIRED.

So, I went to starbucks, drank more coffee, and read about schizophrenia.

Drove back to the hospital at 7:45 and began my day.

Let me just say this: at 8:30 pm, if I would had the energy I would have sprinted out of that place.

But I didn't. I walked slowly, breathing in the fall air and talking about how weird the day was with my nursing peeps.

When I got to my car I laid my head on that beautiful blue steering wheel and sighed, called Andrew and drove home.

Home? Is that was this is.

I guess so.

For the next two months at least.