Isaiah 60:19 & 20

The sun will no more be your light by day, nor will the brightness of the moon shine on you, for the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory. Your sun will never set again, and your moon will wane no more; the LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.
Isaiah 60:19-20

"Do not let you hearts be troubled."

So many times recently, and ever since I have come to know the Lord, scripture has been such a blessing, encouragement and tool for me. I know that's what it's here for, but a lot of times when I get stuck in a rut, stuck feeling weary and sad I don't turn to it like I should.

These past days, weeks, and months have been some of my most difficult in many different ways. I am facing things that I never thought I would face. I am learning new, hard things(including every muscle and bone in the body :D). I am trying to fix things, maybe too fast. I am standing up, but finally not by myself, with people who love me and more importantly a Lord who will carry me and never fall. In John 14 Jesus says "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God."

"Do not let your hearts be troubled." Hmm. That's something to think on. Thinking on this from a superficial point of view I can easily say ok to that, say I'll relax and put my trust in God. Deep down though, it's not that easy for me to do. My heart is troubled. I'm troubled with confusion, fear and sadness. I'm troubled that maybe I wont come through this time in a way that is pleasing to Him. I am troubled. "TRUST IN GOD." I do. I do. I do. But not enough. I'm scared of earthly things, I'm scared that maybe I'm not doing the right thing. In John 14 when Jesus tells (most of) the disciples that he will be leaving, they are confused too. Thomas doesn't know the way, Philip wants proof. Jesus, with patience replies by repeating himself in a way, and adding a couple more things. He tells them that he is the way, the truth and the life. He tells them to have faith and he gives encouragement by telling them of the Spirit of truth. I think Jesus started out with "Do not let your hearts be troubled" kinda knowing that they would be. But he was ready to give comfort and encouragement.

I am, by no means, a theologian. However I do know that I am encouraged. I know that scripture is powerful and a blessing. I know that even when my heart is troubled that Jesus will not "leave us as orphans; he will come to us". I know that, not only because it is in scripture, but because I have been rescued from so much. I just need to remember that more often.

We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:1-4

Sunday morning song

This morning I woke up to get ready and in the spirit of Sunday, and in the spirit of worshiping the Lord, I listened to "how deep the fathers love for us". It was a blessing and an encouragement.

Not that I ever completely forget how precious we are in the Lord's eyes and how much he loves and cherishes us. But, a reminder is always great. When I've had a hard week, when I'm weary and struggling it's so good to be reminded of the sacrifice that our God made to make us his treasure. I pray that we as believers, as Christ followers, will boast in that sacrifice.

"Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow. "Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." -Isaiah 1:17 & 18

Promises...

There is nothing better and more encouraging than reading the Lord's promises to us...

"Though you have made me see troubles many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up."

-Psalm 71:20

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quite you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

-Zephiniah 3:17

"For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock."

-Psalm 27:5

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you."

-Isaiah 43:2

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." -Psalm 27:14

Wac(k)o!

This weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to travel to the wacky land of waco and see my dear friend Caitlin. Jon was there too, which made for an extra special trip! It was Baylor's homecoming weekend so Caitlin's family was there and we saw the 104's and a Milligan (ansley). Lucas and Davis had an extra fun time making creative things out of glowsticks (pictured below). There was a neat bonfire on friday night, and on saturday we went to the parade (which is apparently the largest collegiate parade in the nation...whoo!). My favorite part was most definitely the live bear that could do the "sick 'em" thing. The game was fun...Tech won, by a bunch.

All in all it was a great weekend. Now it's time to study.

Deep Thoughts...

...Just because:

-"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you."

-"I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?"

-"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some chihuahuas with some good ideas."

-"If one day you accidentally drop your keys in a river of molten hot lava, let 'em go man, they're gone."

-"The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say, ‘Oh, you mean this?’ and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?"

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,nor the moon by night.
7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Conspiracy?

I was thinking today while counting pennies to pay for this weeks 'corporate fine'. I hate to be one of those people who think of everything as a conspiracy, like Elvis and Princess Diana still being alive, just living underground. Or like the people who think the whole first man on the moon thing was staged. It humors me a little to think that I even thought about what I am fixing to explain.
The past couple of weeks, some crazy manic has been running their fingers through the marker boards around Burt Hall. This serious offense caused an uproar among the RAs and we were warned if this didn't stop, we would get fined a dollar. Well, it didn't stop, and since this offense is so awful and utterly beneath collegiate women, we are all having to pay a dollar. Granted, a dollar is not a huge pocket book buster, but it is still aggravating that we all have to pay for SOMEONE running their fingers through the white boards.
Like I said earlier, I was thinking while counting pennies... some things came to mind... where does all this fine money go? If each girl in the dorm is paying a dollar, I would figure that's about 150 dollars (roughly, I'm not sure how many girls live in Burt). But either way, that's a lot!!!
My theory is that the RAs are the ones running their fingers through the board, and in return getting all the money for anything their little RA hearts desire. Although I have had the strong urge to run my fingers through those boards every now and again just to spite the people who make such an amazingly huge deal out of something so small, I have never had the guts. I'm sure many 'Burt Babes' can testify to having felt the same way, but never having the courage. I'm willing to start a revolution, us Burt Babes can bind together to become the new, honest, RAs...no fines involved.

:D

"Keep those hopes in a box, but don't lock it."

I have written many blogs about hope, recently I have gained a new perspective. A few nights ago at work, I had my favorite section, the one where when people come in and eat by themselves they get put in that section. I like it because when people are alone, most of the time, they like to talk. There is one older man who comes in about once a week. I've gotten to know him a little and we always have good conversation whether it be regarding diabetes, pork chops, shopping or like a few nights ago, hope. I saw that he came in, knowing he would want 2 cornbread muffins, a roll, some honey and decaff coffee, I got those thing and went to greet him. He was surprised that I remembered what he liked, even though I have been his waitress at least 10 times. I asked him how he was doing, he said "oh, you know, I'm alive." I suppose that response does have a little less of an effect when you are in your 70's, but when he asked how I was I said the same thing. He looked at me surprised and said "of course you are! what's goin' on?" I said "oh just lots of stuff, hopefully it will get better soon..." His response: "keep those hopes in a box, but don't lock it." I left him to eat his pork chops, steamed veggies and cinnamon apples and didn't think about what he said until later that night. It's profound really, and I think something that I need to do.

Hope has taken me down some roads that I shouldn't have gone down. I guess if I was going to be technical I couldn't blame it completely on hope, but rather the decisions I have made because of the hope that I have felt. False hope. The way I see what he said is, don't let your hopes get the best of you, don't hope when it's false; but also don't lock away your hopes. It's a hard concept, especially for me. I get my hopes up quite frequently, and end up getting hurt. Maybe this is the solution.

I love how the Lord brings people into my life and blesses me through them. I love my job because of the people I get to meet and talk to. I love people who actually want to talk to me (and people who tip! :D).

We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:1-4

Be blessed!

work, mono, fish deaths and other ramblings

When there's studying to be done, and I don't feel like doing it, I come here. If I only had something interesting to talk about...

Work tonight was pretty crazy and stressful. I was so tired and couldn't concentrate or think at all. I felt sorry for the people who were going to get me as their waitress. Luckily one of my managers noticed I was having a little bit of a off night and they let me go a little early.

Mono (commonly called mononucleosis) is spreading like wildfire. 60 plus live cases are now meandering around UMHB. I fear for my health, but what can you do?

Pashka, Sam and I's fish died. Cause of death: mono. It was a tragic event, however I know he's in a better place.

Half of me really wants to dive deep into my emotions and talk about what's really going on, but I think the other half of me is outweighing that. So, maybe it's like 40/60. SO, I'm going to be semi-superficial and just say that I am struggling quite a bit, with quite a bit of different things. BUT there are also many, many good things going on. I can see a very tiny glimpse of light at the end of this seemingly never ending dark tunnel.

It's now 12:44am and I have an essay, some yogurt and a warm bed waiting on me. I'm afraid it's time for me to bid thee well.

Psalm 55

These past couple of days I have been working on memorizing these amazing 23 verses of Psalm 55. I read them a few days ago and cried because of the relevance and the promise of being saved and sustained. I am continuously amazed by how God's word is so relevant to every problem, praise and plea that we have. I thank God for the gift of scripture and the privilege that we have in retaining it and memorizing it, and using it for our prayers and lives.

"Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught at the voice of the enemy, at the stares of the wicked; for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger. My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling has beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said "Oh that I had wings like a dove! I would fly and be at rest- I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm." Confuse the wicked, O Lord, confound their speech, for I see violence and strife in the city. Day and night they prowl about on it's walls; malice and abuse are within it. Destructive forces are at work in the city; threats and lies never leave it's streets. If an enemy were insulting me; I could endure it. If a foe were raising himself against me; I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng in the house of God. Let death take my enemies by surprise; let them go down alive to the grave, for evil finds lodging among them. But I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and He hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me. God, who is enthroned forever will hear them and afflict them- men who never change their ways and have no fear of God. My companion attacks his friends, he violates his covenant. His speech is smooth as butter, but war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords. Cast your cares upon the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. But you, O God, will bring down the wicked into the pit of corruption; bloodthirsty and deceitful men will not live out half their days. But as for me, I trust in you."

Dam Blessings

After a long, hard weekend and day, I decided that I would go to the dam and watch the sun set. I always feel encouraged by it's beauty, and sitting there just gives me a chance to think, reflect and gives me an interesting place to do my homework sometimes. Tonight I was reading some essays for English, occasionally looking up at the sunset. The sun had gone behind some clouds, something that has happened the past couple of times I have gone. I got a little frustrated, and being silly I thought, "is God trying to tell me something? I just need some encouragement and the sun went behind the stinkin clouds, there is no hope." I went back to reading and about 5 minutes later a silver PT Cruiser pulls up beside my truck, 2 little girls and a little boy jump out, their dad gets a cooler and a fold up chair out of the trunk and sits down to drink a beer while the kids run around. One of the little girls, who has the blondest hair I have ever seen with big pretty blue eyes and a pink dress on comes over to my truck and climbs up into the bed where I was reading and asks "can I sit here?" I said sure, and went back to reading. Her dad yells from across the way ''Kayden leave her along, she's busy reading'' I tell him that it's aright and she isn't bothering me. To her satisfaction, she yells back ''yeah daddy, she WANTS to talk to me.'' I look at her and smile and tell her that she has a pretty name, her response: "I know. K-A-Y-D-E-N, Kayden.'' We went on to talk about how she is 5 and a quarter years old and for her birthday party last year she had a princess cake. After talking about princesses and frogs and birthday parties, she says something strange, "I need some advice". I laughed a little thinking, uh, okay, about what episode of barney you should watch next? She looked at me crossly ''it's NOT funny.'' I said ''I know, I'm sorry, what do you need advice about?''. She says ''NOO I don't need advice, I need to give you advice...'' I said ''alright, what is it??'' She responds with ''I hope you know that God loves you.'' I teared up a little and looked up at the sunset to try to stop my tears, and to my surprise, the sun which had gone behind the clouds was shooting beams of light up into the top of the sky. It was beautiful, her words were beautiful. Kayden, the little blonde haired, blue eyed 5 and a quarter year old messenger changed my outlook on what has been going on. Yes, things stink right now, bad. But the Lord of creation, my Father loves me. I needed to be reminded of that.

Thank you Lord for showing me in the most interesting of ways that you are here, you love me, and are on my side.

When battle lines become unclear, and the waging war is all I hear, Lord, sustain me with Your voice and the choice to walk in truth. That I might see this day, this waging war might go away and be no more. That I might see His face and hear Him say daughter welcome home, the war is over.

BIKE!

I got a bike. It's pretty exciting.


Let's see, what else is happening? Work is going really well. I'm a lot more comfortable and confident now, so it's much more enjoyable. I'm working quite a lot, but it's good. The only issue is figuring out how to manage school and work in a way where I'm not doing ALL of my homework in one night.

I, for a change, don't have much else to say. Except that when I was driving to work yesterday I saw a clown driving a car, it was great.

Mysterious ways? How about absolutely amazing ways.

What a day. I am so tired that I think I might fall asleep on my computer while typing this, but this story is so neat, that I just can't help but tell...

Well, it doesn't start out so neat, in fact it starts out with me being so exhausted and thoughtless that while I was putting gas in my car on the way back from Waco tonight, I locked my keys in there. The second that I realized what I had done, after the day that I had, I felt like slamming my head against the glass and retrieving my keys after I regained consciousness. But I used a few of the deep breathing exercises I learned in speech the other day and regained some composure. After I called home and the ones nearest and dearest to my heart got me squared away with a locksmith, I got a cup of coffee and a ''Troy daily newspaper''. I sat down in the little Exxon diner and began reading the helpful hints column, which reminded me so much of Peggy Hill, and well, it was just awesome. The attendant working, who I had briefly spoken with before about my situation came over and started cleaning the already clean tables around me. I asked her how her day had been. She just looked at me and went back to wiping down the tables. I sat there slightly confused, but just figured that she wasn't the 'small talk type' or something. I continued with the helpful hints column for a couple minutes and noticed she was still wiping down the same table. I looked up to see her standing there cleaning with tears rolling down her cheeks. I said ''do you wanna talk?'' She nodded and I invited her to sit with me. She told me a story about all of these unfortunate events, her mom had passed away a couple of months ago and she has been forced to stay with her step dad and 3 younger siblings, which has been a really abusive, horrible situation for her. While she was telling me this, I held her hand, looked her in the eyes and just listened. When she got done, I smiled, not intentionally, but just because I knew at that moment that maybe it wasn't my sheer stupidity that made me lock my keys in the car, it was something greater. I told her what I thought about this, and tried to encourage her by telling her a little bit of my story. We were interrupted by Mr. Pop-a-lock's arrival, but after he released my keys from captivity, I went back in to finish up our conversation. When I walked in she was still sitting in the spot that she was when I left. I had accidentally left my purse sitting in the diner seat, I had my wallet so I wasn't worried, but as I got closer I noticed she was reading a bible that looked just like mine!! Being way tired it didn't click until I got to the table and saw my bookmark laying there, it WAS mine! I have been memorizing 2 Timothy 4:16-18, so that's what I had underlined and bookmarked. She asked me ''do you really think this is true?'' I said ''I know it is.'' I quoted the part that says ''I was delivered from the lions mouth (you will be too). The Lord will rescue me (and you) from every evil attack and will bring us safely into his heavenly kingdom.'' Her reply: the biggest hug I have ever received from someone I had only known for 30 minutes. I prayed over her, and told her that I would continue to do so. She said that she was going to pray for me too. I got in my truck and started to drive away, the moment that I thought about what had just happened I had to pull over and just cry and turn up Shane & Shane. I was blessed beyond words tonight, just by locking my keys in my car. The Lord put me there, I believe to just listen, encourage and show His love to this lost, hurt and confused girl. It's times like these when I'm grateful for what I have endured, but more so, grateful for His rescuing me.

''At my first defense no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them! But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely into His heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory forever and ever. Amen.'' -2 Tim. 4:16-18

''We, the people of Cotton Patch Cafe...''

Yup, I got it! :D I passed the dreaded menu test, and am now considered an employee. I'm excited about it, I think it will be a really neat experience. My first day of training is tomorrow, I'm a little bit nervous, but mostly excited.

Today was such a full, busy day. I'm tired, and I have a bad headache. I'm kind of wondering why I'm sitting here typing this, but since I have already started, I will finish. I had my first lab for A&P today and my goodness, there are TONS of things to memorize! I'm not sure my brain can handle this. Lab got out a little bit early and I made myself sit down and do ALL of my homework. 2 1/2 hours later I stopped because What Not to Wear was on, and well, you know. BUT-I did get the majority of it done. (pat on the back). Lauren and I went to the dam again this evening to watch the sunset. The sun was hiding behind some rainclouds almost the whole time, but it was still gorgeous, the sun made the edge of the clouds glow a light pinkish gold color and turned the rest of that side of the sky pink and purple, ahhh. Then on the way back to school we saw some lightning in the distance, and that added to the greatness of the evening.

Now I've to to start trying to do the rough draft of my essay due on Friday. This topic has got me a little stumped, I'm not sure what to do. It's interesting though because some parts of the topic are a little bit of what I am struggling with and were in a book that I read this summer. Maybe this will help me work through some things and get my thoughts straight. God is good.

How do I really feel about this?

I'm alone tonight in the dorm. Not necessarily a bad thing, just something that I haven't experienced yet. Because I have nobody here keeping me busy in conversation or just with company, I have some time to think, and feel a little more. I haven't really thought about this whole experience, being in college, growing up, starting a new journey. It's weird to be here on a Saturday night knowing that I won't wake up in the morning and go to FBC Keller and sit on the front row by my favorite people in the world. It's also neat though that I'm getting the opportunity to meet new people, explore new places, and learn new things, and I'm excited about that. I'm just having some difficulty truly seeing the neat-ness of it yet. It's hard for me to see past missing the people I love. I know it will get easier, once I get used to this new life a little more. I'm just questioning if this was the right decision for me to make. I'm honestly not sure. I'm trusting that if it isn't, then I will know. I have a lot to overcome, a lot to get past, a lot to heal from, and I feel that being here might be hindering that. I also feel like this is a HUGE transition and it's just hard now, and maybe once I get used to things I'll be able to start dealing with the other things.
I just don't know.
That's all.

When job hunting goes bad.

As you can probably sense from the title, I have a story. You can't judge me because this is the 4th time I have updated my blog this week.

Yesterday after class I wanted to go job hunting. I had a couple places in mind but I wasn't exactly sure where they were, actually I had NO IDEA where they were, and since I am semi directionally challenged I decided to go to mapquest and get directions. I thought from the beginning that the directions looked a little fishy, but being one of faith, I trusted them and followed them directly into the middle of nowhere. When I realized that I had just followed incorrect directions, I attempted to ''turn around'' well, somewhere along the way I made a wrong turn trying to get back to where I started. Next thing I new I was driving down a deserted road with no cell phone service and cows as my only option to ask for directions. After driving for about 3 hours I finally reached civilization (Temple). Where I still couldn't find my way back to I35. I asked a cop how to get there and he said ''oh, just keep going straight, you're almost there.'' I saw a Starbucks, thought a black tea would calm my nerves, so I stopped. I figured since the point of this outing was to get a job, and I had been extremely unsuccessful at that so far, I would ask for an application. I got one, and when I was leaving Starbucks I saw a Cotton Patch just across the road, so I ran in there, asked if they were hiring and to my surprise they said yes. They were hiring wait staff and hostess, so I applied and headed back to Belton. When I got back in my dorm, and layed down in the bed I had to laugh. I had just spent 3 hours ''job hunting'' when in actuality the only progress I made was in the last 30 minutes of those 3 hours. It was an adventure, to say the least. At least I can say now that I have truly seen the real Temple, and I'm sure surrounding unpopulated towns.

The Whole Kitten Kaboodle

...nothing about kittens used to be here.

Classes don't start until Wednesday, so until then is welcome week, which has been alright. I think I need to attempt to get myself a little more pumped up, it's been difficult for me for some reason. This is weird, but I am excited for classes to start, excited to learn and have things to keep my mind busy. I'm sad to be gone, this is a such a strange time in my life to be making such a huge transition, not a strange time in a sense of years, because yes, I am the right age to be going away to college and such...BUT, the things going with my emotions, in my head and my life would probably be made easier if I was at home. But, I am not. SO, I'm trying, probably not as hard as I should be, but trying to step out there and start making my new life great. I am excited about college, don't get me wrong, no matter how depressed this entry does sound. Emotions are crazy right now, this is hard. I really never thought it would be, but it is.

One thing that I enjoyed so, so much today was worship. The morning started off with Lauren, Sam and I going to this church with such good worship. I need to make it a point to worship more. It was a blessing to me, I think especially because I am feeling a little vulnerable and weak, but the worship this morning blessed me beyond words. Then chapel tonight was super good too. The speaker made me laugh hard, which was nice and then he packed the punch which was good too. Anyways, I am really looking forward to the spiritual aspect of this school, if it's half as good as tonight was, I will be more than satisfied.

That's enough for now I suppose, after all Lauren is coming over what not to wear is on, and our flavor ice popsicles are done freezing. PARTAY!!!

Time flys when you're...

...having the best summer ever!! :) Ukraine was wonderful. Words cannot even describe the time that we had, the blessings and the people we met. It was an experience that will stay with me forever.

School time is almost here (college!!!). I'm really excited, and really nervous, but confident that it will be really great.

This summer has been a time for major strides in growing up, moving on and learning to live. I'm proud of myself. I'm not sure how often I have been able to say that...but I am. But more importantly proud of what the Lord has done. I have no room to be boasting on what strides I have made by myself because He has brought me through so much. I have been shown over and over again how faithful He is, He has provided me with the strength and courage that it takes to change. When I read my last blog, it makes me feel good. Mainly because I know I am in the process of changing for the better, and I'm seeing progress that I never thought that I would see. I have been able to share things that I thought I would keep inside forever, I have learned to trust love a little more and trust His faithfulness.

All in all, I feel ready. Ready to go. Ready to start my future-a future that I am confident will be full of His blessings and rich love. Praise be to the One who helped me get to this point.

Ukraine pictures anyone?

English Class

Rec Time!

The Artist^

The Labler^ :)

Change is blooming.

Change can be a beautiful thing, it can be hard, but in the end so worth it. When I was trying to think of things to describe how change can be beautiful, the first thing that came to my mind was a flower blooming. It starts out as a seed, grows into a stem, then a bud, then it changes into a flower. When a flower blooms, it is at it's prime state of beauty. I think when we make changes in our lives as humans, we can be at our prime state. Sure, change can be a bad thing too, but I'm talking the good change. To change is to become; to become transformed, to become different, to become something new. Right now, I'm striving to change, to bloom, to become something new. I want to be that beautiful flower that glorifies the Lord just with it's existence, with it's mere presence. I know in order to become, I have to change. I have to change my shame into honor, my anger into love and forgiveness, and my distrust, doubt, fear, and apprehension into faith.

''But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.''

--2 Corinthians 3:16-19

Learning to feel.

I'm sad, angry, heavy-hearted, troubled, and hurting. Too many times have I tried to ignore these emotions, and I catch myself still trying to do that. It takes reminders of how much I have been hurt to make me realize my pain. I'm tired of fear. I'm tired of shame. I'm tired of hurting. I know that the hurt will always be there, but I'm ready for it to be less severe, I'm ready to move on.

Moving on will take more courage and strength than I think I have at the moment. I want to move on, but my lack of courage in facing my pain is holding me back. Facing the past, the pain, will be hard, and I feel like at this point it is a necessary evil. Evil only in my eyes, because I know it will be hard, very very hard, but ultimately better for me.

I'm excited for when the day comes that I feel comfortable with talking with anyone about my story. I really am, because I know it has the opportunity of relating to, and blessing many people. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get to that point. It scares me to think about that, because yes, I am so shameful. I know that the only way I can properly move on is with His help. I want to say I'm ready, but my fear tells me I'm not.

I look forward to the future. I know ''the best is yet to come''. I know my future will be blessed, and special, and wonderful, and I can't wait to see what God has in store. I can't wait for the day where I can feel strong in knowing my oppressors are forever silenced by His grace.

Lord, I ask you to remove my fear. Help me to know that you, my Redeemer have made me new, that I no longer have to be in fear because I am your child. Help me to forgive. Give me the strength and courage it will take to move one. I know you live, you live to take away my shame, and you live forever.

''We who have fled and taken refuge have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the kingdom, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner on our behalf.''
--Hebrews 6:18-20

Babies and Life.

My friend, Cassie, had her baby last Tuesday. Taylor Marie Fouse, beautiful little baby girl, well actually not so little, more like 8lbs 9oz of baby, but still beautiful. I was blessed in being able to be there for her. Life, and birth, for that matter is so beautiful. Seeing both death and life happening right in front of me made me cherish and appreciate the time God gives us on earth. Holding that sweet baby, looking at her tiny feet and hands, hearing her little cry was just what I needed to make me truly understand how special life is. I was so bogged down and tired but at the same time I was just so elated, it was amazing experience for me, to see someone I love, that is the same age as me, making such a huge step in life. It makes me feel like I'm growing up, I am, but for one of the first times ever, I feel like I am. Okay, I'm done blabbing, here are the pictures...

Graduation is definitely 4 days away. I just cannot believe it's here. I'm growing up. Weird. Real weird. That's really all I have to say about that.

I feel excited for summer, I'm looking forward to just being here and enjoying life. Spending time with friends, family and myself. I'm expecting to do some searching this summer, I need to figure out my feelings, and learn how to talk about them. That's my summer goal, or one of them at least. Another goal, for Lauren's sake, to improve on crafts. I'm going to make a valiant effort, and possibly prove that indeed, when it comes to crafts, I am hopeless. We'll see.

Thirty One.

Yes, it is true, 31 days until graduation. I am so ready. School is just becoming like making your bed,a useless chore, unless there are guests and you want it to look good for them. I'm not sure how that analogy made since, but oh well.

This week has been filled with doctors appointments and not enough sleep. I think I need to change my attitude about things, maybe learn to be happier. A girl in my English class today asked me why I was always happy. I wanted to respond with ''uh, I'm not, in fact, I'm pretty opposite ''always'' happy.'' But, I didn't, I just said, ''I have no reason not to be.'' Liar. My goal is to learn how to know what I'm feeling. That is really really hard for me for some reason. You think it would be easy, to know that your sad, or happy, or angry. But I think that I have worked so hard for so long to hide my emotions and not share them with people that I've almost forgotten what all those things feel like. Sounds crazy I know. But, maybe I am. All I know is I feel overwhelmed by emotion, which ones I'm not sure, it could be because there are just so many there that it's hard to figure out, but I do know that it's overwhelming me, and I just do not like it.

I want it to be different, and I know there's a road I'm gonna have to walk for it to be different. The hard part is gaining the courage to walk that road. The great comfort- knowing He will see me through.

Good Stuff.

This past weekend was really great.

On Saturday we went to the body world exhibit, it was pretty amazing. We are so complex, it's amazing how everything works together. After that fun educational experience, Lauren and I headed off to the American Airlines Center to watch the Mavs play some ball. They kicked some rear, they were ahead by at least 20pts the majority of the game. It was really fun though, I sat by a nice old man who offered us some of his popcorn, and told me I could be an acrobat. That's not a complement you get every day...I was pretty happy about it. Sunday, Easter and my birthday, was also wonderful. It was a day made special by some of my favorite people on the planet. :D My dream of getting a sword came true, what more could I ask for? Monday Alisa and I went to Lubbock to visit Texas Tech. It was really fun to see the campus and picture myself there. It made me a little scared, leaving everything I have ever known and starting my own life...really really exciting, but scary. I got some questions answered and now I'm feeling a little more confident in being able to do this whole college thing. Tuesday unfortunatly, I had to return to school...not too bad I guess, I was just real tired, and had some trouble getting pumped up about singing our corny Beatles medley in choir.

The rest of the week has gone smoothly so far, things seem to be coming together for financial aid and such (hopefully). My dad is supposed to be in town tonight, it would be good to see him. I hope that works out.

I think I have more to write, but maybe later.

Ikabok.

Alright, so no progress has been made on the journal typing (sorry pals, but other things have been 1st on my list of things to do) BUT I promise to at least attempt to make some progress.

WHAT A CRAZY WEEK! A little more crazy than usual actually. But, things seem to be coming to a positive close. I don't have a brain tumor, and I'm back in school. If more people read this that were possibly clueless to the happenings this past week I would go into detail, but I don't see a need.

My brother Austin adopted an iguana, whom he named Ikabok. I should have thought to ask the reason why this name came to be, but because of my brothers personality and past animal namings this name didn't surprise me one bit, so I didn't think to ask. Ikabok is rude. He slapped me with his tail a couple times and made a snorting sound at me (which Austin says is his disapproval of the way I was holding him...thanks iguana expert man.) So here he is with his new love...
Tomorrow is UIL. That means the last time to ever have to sight read for a contest, and the last time to wear the oh so lovely choir dresses. I'm really depressed about this. FALSE. Although UIL has approached way too fast for my liking, I'm excited about not having to wear the dress ever again (unless I flunk my senior year and get to be in choir again).

My birthday (and Austins) is on Sunday. 18! (and 15!) :D It's probably the most eventful birthday of your entire life if you ask me. As an 18 year old you can: purchase tobacco products (YAY! ha.), buy swords (double yay!) and vote. Along with some other significant things that I'm sure I just don't know about yet. Downside: to get your license renewed it costs $35 instead of the usual $5. LAME-O.

Any sweet birthday ideas you can think of are welcome. And gift ideas for my strange little 15 year old brother too!

Be blessed!

Yes-I'm back.

Although you cannot tell from the sight of my blog, I have been back in Keller for more than a week now. I am in the very slow process of typing out the journal my pals and I kept during our travels. I promise entertainment when I finally finish.

All in all the trip was fabulous. It truly was a trip of a lifetime. I HOPE someday I'll be able to return to that beautiful part of the world, but if not I'll remain satisfied in seeing all that I saw. It was incredible. Pictures are also coming with the journal blog.

Since my return, life has quickly gotten back to it's normal craziness. This last 9 weeks of school is looking like it's going to be a quick and easy one. Economics is my only change, and it's regular, SO...definitely not going to be a brain buster. It's good because I have so much college stuff that has still yet to be done. I need to stop being a bum and get it done!

I'm excited! Let me tell you why...
On friday my old anatomy class is going on a field trip to Body World. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's all these bodies (real ones) that have been opened and you can walk around and look at all of the parts and such. Sounds so interesting...I'll let you know how is goes.

ALRIGHT, well Pre-UIL is unfortunately calling my name.

Lauren- I hope you're satisfied! :D

Major Excitment.

I GO TO LONDON TODAY!!!!!!!!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
endless smileys.

You are entering Early, pop. 2250

This week I made the 3 hour journey to Early Texas to visit my family there. It was an interesting trip to say the very least. Lets just say that taking care of a whiny 2 year old and a hyper 6 year old for a weekend is definitely harder than it seems. I learned a lot about patience and deep breathing. I was completely exhausted by Sunday, but good exhausted because they are so incredibly precious and sweet.

I leave for London in 3 days. I'm pumped. Really, I'm so excited.

I do have a couple quotes from the infamous government class...

(Jared walks in late, after missing a day of government.)
Mrs. A.: Where were you yesterday Jared. Not skipping I hope.
Jared: Uhh. Uhh. Well, you see, it was take you child to work day, and my dad works out of our house. So, yeah, that's where I was.
Mrs. A.: How convenient.

(Referring to Dick Chaney)
''Seriously, that man has had some problems, how many heart attacks has he had? Like 20?! Does he have like a baboons heart now? I bet so.''
--Jared

Mr. Leach (comes in to use the microwave): Hey Traci, can I use that thing?
Courtney: ITS CALLED A MICROWAVE....hello, its the 20th century!
Mr. Leach (popping his head up from behind the desk): It's the 21st century.

:D

thats all.
have a good spring break everyone.
I know I will.

Quote-o-rama.

Government brings me great pleasure...actually, not government literally, the people in my tiny little class make me happy.

"I don't understand why people pay for water in bottles now. I remember in the old days, when you would just turn on the sink.... and stick your head under the faucet and get a drink. Now, its all in bottles. You know, it's probably some guy in New Jersey in a bathtub just scooping water in plastic bottles and just selling them. And we're all drinking tub water now."
--Jared

''GAH...my mom called me during lunch and i was like 'hello mom why are you calling me, i'm in school!' and she said 'well it's good to talk to you too courtney', and hung up.''
''-why did she call?''
''I don't know, probably to remind me to take my grandma to get her boots stretched or something.''
--Courtney

''Oh, I put this picture on this slide because the way president bush is looking at that one lady is creepy. Thats all.''
--Mrs. Arsenault

Mrs Arsenault: I can't really talk today guys..i'm losing my voice.
Jared: Did you try that Ricola stuff? I hear it's supposed to make you be able to yodel real good.

Courtney: OH OH OH! I HAVE A CURRENT EVENT!!!!......looong pause......there was this baby in like North Dakota or Wisconsin or some wierd place like that and rats got into the crib and ate some of it's face.
Class: disgusted.
Jared: GOSH...where do you get your news? I'm having a good day, TOO BAD NOT ANY MORE.com?!?!

I'm glad I have this class to keep me entertained.

Can you hear me now?

The ear saga started sunday. My right ear was a little soar all day, but I chose to think nothing of it, since I had been congested, I thought it was just a minor side effect. Come monday morning I was in increasingly bad pain...I continued to tell myself to tough it out and it would get better...come monday afternoon I was ready to just chop off the ear and call it good. Really, it was one of the worst pains I have ever had, totally not exaggerating either. It was one of those ''I couldn't stop the tears from coming out of my eyes, it hurt so bad'' pains. So, I got some medicine, and after 2 days of holding a hot rag on my ear and putting drops in every few hours it got better. Now, I'm still a little hearing impaired, in both ears, because the infection jumped to the other one after the 1st day of the right ear infection. Anyways, all that to say, I can't hear much, but it's getting better.

I got my acceptance letter to Texas Tech today. (wahoo!)

I'm really pretty happy it's the weekend. I'm ready for sleeping in tomorrow.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Romans 12:9-13

Ramblings.

Today Danielle and I made up a fun game in the hall while going to lunch. You get assigned a color tile, and you have to stay on that color tile (NO MATTER WHAT) and the first one to not stay on their color loses. It was fun. People looked at us strange, but what's new?

Also, today at work we moved into the new section of our building. It's so exciting. It's big and pretty and I get a rolly chair and 2 computers! I feel so executive like, it's cool. The new receptionist who works the shift before and a little overlapping mine is real nice...I feel bad for being so negative about it at first. Her and I talked today for about an hour when we should've been working, tomorrow she is going to teach me how to play poker. I'm pumped. Her name is Sara and her haircut is cute.

Recently I have noticed how weird people at school are...it's been real entertaining. Just watching, and laughing. Probably the same thing people do to Danielle and I while we hop down the hall laughing trying to balance on certain color tiles.

I got to talk to this interesting person in my english class today- we talked about the book we are reading (brave new world) and how he thinks it's all going to come true. His creepiness was slightly overwhelming, and I wasn't sure how to deal, but eventually I changed the subject and we talked about dog breeds, leave it up to me to make the conversation completely pointless, and strange. BUT at least we were no longer talking about growing babies in test tubes.

I read the 2nd chapter of the book Journey of Desire today at work. Can I just get it out there and say that I really am enjoying this book. I might have to write an entry about it, but some other time when I am feeling less rambly and a little more serious.

I got very little sleep last night, but during the few hours I did get, I had some of the weirdest dreams ever. Completely irrelevant to what is happening in my life, (which is the way I like them because then I'm not paranoid) but weird nonetheless.

I believe I am done, only because I feel like sparing you from anymore of this.

Have a good week. :D

The Same Old Thing

I wonder sometimes when things are going to change. I think about how in 5 months, I'm graduating, that will change quite a bit, but how much? I'm not sure. I really am ready for things to be right. My want for things to be right is so strong that it overrides my logic and turns in my head, in hope against hope, every time. Something in me longs, hopes, and maybe even at times believes that this is not the way things were supposed to be. I have trouble accepting the fact that this is the way things are, or must be, or will always be. I know that the biggest mistake is to get used to it, to get broken into it so graually that I never even notice it anymore. I know that it's a mistake to be apathetic, to just say ''it will be fine'' and move on. I guess that moto would be okay if I didn't use it so frequently, or as a cover up to my feelings. I think I'm slowly learning how to, and growing up to be more open. I desire this. Because I know that even my troubles, and heartbreaks tell me something, and teach me something. I'm trying now to not just settle for the same old thing.

''She was a good fish...''

First of all, I have some very sad news to report. Danielle, my tiniest baby fish died today. I knew that her death was imminent after she could no longer use her left fin, and could only swim down, hitting her nose on the rocks, but I was hoping for a miracle. No such miracle occurred, so I had to flush her. It was sad, and her sister, Sister Roberta, misses her greatly.

Aside from fish deaths, this week has been pretty decent. School got cancelled Wednesday, which gave me some time to catch up on my reading and notes for government. I have yet to die from an asthma attack, so that's a plus. Although, I did get a little too close for comfort this week, I really think it's going to be downhill from here (in a good way) when the weather gets warmer and less rainy.

The Lord's greatness has been brought to my attention numerous times this week, I pray that he will continue to make me aware of all the things He is constantly doing for me. No matter how small or big they are. He deserves all the glory.

In honor of Danielle, I am going to put a picture of her and Sister Roberta up, this is from the first day the human Danielle and I got them...

Back to School

My last semester of high school (hopefully). The sigh of relieve is just a short 5 months away. Just 5 months until I walk across that stage in my blue gown. Just 5 months until I get to let go of all that is holding me down now, all the things I can't escape. Just 5 months until I get to move on, live my new life. It's Crazy. Exciting. Sad in some ways. I can't believe I'm so close to this day...

This semester is going to be a lot tougher than last. Government, English, and Economics! I think I am going to enjoy my classes though. The people in them are really interesting and fun. My day will never lack entertainment, which I enjoy.
College is another subject people keep asking me about...''where are you planning on going?'' ''have you been accepted?'' It's a little overwhelming, mainly because I have procrastinated pretty badly on this whole college thing. I did however get an acceptance letter from the University of Mary Hardin Baylor, which was exciting, not to mention surprising since I didn't even complete all the requirements for admission. I am happy about that, I would really love to go to that school, but we will just have to wait and see. I finally completed and sent in my application for Tech yesterday, so hopefully I will hear back from them soon, and be able to make a decision. Money will be the decision maker in the end, so now my goal is to concentrate on scholarships. I think if I set my mind to applying to as many as possible, getting all the massive amounts of paper work done for the FAFSA and all other financial aid things, and just really try hard at it, I might be able to get a lot paid for. I'm praying for success with that, that would be a heavy burden lifted.
All in all, I'm pumped about these last few months. I am going to really try and cherish the time I have left with friends, and the people who are like family to me. I know it's not goodbye forever, and I am probably making this a bigger deal than it really is, but it is going to be a big change. I'm ready :)

I got to see my family on Wednesday, I wasn't feeling very well, so I probably wasn't the most fun big sister in the world, but they still brought a smile to my face. Chloey is growing up too fast. She is precious, a brat, but precious nonetheless. I hope that when I go to college that I will still be able to be there for all my siblings, I don't know how I will be able to be the kind of sister I am now when I go away...but maybe that's just part of the growing and learning process for all of us.

Yep, she's cute, and definitely not shy, I just caught her cheating while playing peek a boo with me (obviously, I was cheating as well).